Senator Fulbright's thoughts on foreign policy (1966)
This link provides a good ten minutes of reading, but it's interesting stuff!!!
Can't sleep
It's as if I'm lying in bed waiting for Santa to come...but actually, what I'm thinking of is this: 
I leave for Taiwan in ten days!!!
I leave for Taiwan in ten days!!!
Gifts
When I was in 5th grade, I had a soldier pen pal named John. He was serving in the Gulf War. I wanted to send him something special for Christmas. I bought a King Size Hersheys chocolate bar, found an envelope to fit it, and sent it off to the Middle East. I never heard from John again. I've always wondered if he received my gift.
Nearly two decades later....I wish I could still give candy bars as gifts. Gift-giving overwhelms me. First of all, it's nearly impossible to know what the recipients truly desire. Even if I ask - are they going to tell me what they really, really want? I doubt it. Instead, they're going to be modest. Perhaps they'll evaluate my price range and suggest something even less-expensive that might be useful, or pleasant.
Second of all, gifts never seem like "enough." No matter how the recipients feel...as a giver, I never feel quite satisfied. My gifts have a finite economic value (whether the cost of goods and/or of the time invested in producing them) that in no way equates my true level of esteem.
Meanwhile, I'm a bit uncomfortable with receiving gifts. For the same reasons. Although I always appreciate and am often delighted by what others give me, I've learned that the gifts still aren't what I'd like most. Which is chocolate. J/k. What I really prefer is for them just to spend time with me!!!
I have a dream for my future family. When the holidays roll around, we'll enjoy the history and richness of cultural traditions. We'll sing and play and eat way too many goodies. We'll share goodies with our friends. We'll attend white elephant parties. We'll hang our stockings for Santa. But when it comes to reciprocal gift-giving, we'll do something like all write poems or stories for eachother, or paint pictures, or make funny youtube videos, or create a new candy, or give massages.
And then with the money we've saved, we'll go out somewhere really cool to eat, or go on a weekend trip.
Like, to visit the cousins and play with their new toys.
Hehehe. My kids are gonna hate me! ;)
Nearly two decades later....I wish I could still give candy bars as gifts. Gift-giving overwhelms me. First of all, it's nearly impossible to know what the recipients truly desire. Even if I ask - are they going to tell me what they really, really want? I doubt it. Instead, they're going to be modest. Perhaps they'll evaluate my price range and suggest something even less-expensive that might be useful, or pleasant.
Second of all, gifts never seem like "enough." No matter how the recipients feel...as a giver, I never feel quite satisfied. My gifts have a finite economic value (whether the cost of goods and/or of the time invested in producing them) that in no way equates my true level of esteem.
Meanwhile, I'm a bit uncomfortable with receiving gifts. For the same reasons. Although I always appreciate and am often delighted by what others give me, I've learned that the gifts still aren't what I'd like most. Which is chocolate. J/k. What I really prefer is for them just to spend time with me!!!
I have a dream for my future family. When the holidays roll around, we'll enjoy the history and richness of cultural traditions. We'll sing and play and eat way too many goodies. We'll share goodies with our friends. We'll attend white elephant parties. We'll hang our stockings for Santa. But when it comes to reciprocal gift-giving, we'll do something like all write poems or stories for eachother, or paint pictures, or make funny youtube videos, or create a new candy, or give massages.
And then with the money we've saved, we'll go out somewhere really cool to eat, or go on a weekend trip.
Like, to visit the cousins and play with their new toys.
Hehehe. My kids are gonna hate me! ;)
Two Thoughts
Today, I realized a couple things.
1. I would accomplish nothing without deadlines. I tried all last week to work on my final project. I just couldn't! Meanwhile, I didn't enjoy my leisure time at all...because the whole time I just kept thinking "I should be working on my project." Oh, it was horrible.
Thank goodness I had something of a deadline today (I had to present my project in class)! Within three hours, I completed 65% of my project. Seriously. It took me a week to work up to that???
Oh sigh. Suffice it to say I'm incredibly grateful for the final deadline of Wednesday night that will enable me to finally write two papers tomorrow.
2. I am a fair weather environmentalist. Of course, my environmentalism was rather fledgling to begin with, but it's been reduced practically to nil in favor of staying warm. The bikes have been in the shed since the temperature dropped below 70, and occasionally...I turn my heater up to 90. I do. I'm sorry. Turns out the base of Maslow's hierarchy, for me, is "WARM TOES."
I'm not proud of this. I plan to repent in the spring.
1. I would accomplish nothing without deadlines. I tried all last week to work on my final project. I just couldn't! Meanwhile, I didn't enjoy my leisure time at all...because the whole time I just kept thinking "I should be working on my project." Oh, it was horrible.
Thank goodness I had something of a deadline today (I had to present my project in class)! Within three hours, I completed 65% of my project. Seriously. It took me a week to work up to that???
Oh sigh. Suffice it to say I'm incredibly grateful for the final deadline of Wednesday night that will enable me to finally write two papers tomorrow.
2. I am a fair weather environmentalist. Of course, my environmentalism was rather fledgling to begin with, but it's been reduced practically to nil in favor of staying warm. The bikes have been in the shed since the temperature dropped below 70, and occasionally...I turn my heater up to 90. I do. I'm sorry. Turns out the base of Maslow's hierarchy, for me, is "WARM TOES."
I'm not proud of this. I plan to repent in the spring.
Step 1
Today I stopped by the anthropology department and the secretary lent me a textbook to start my investigation. There is a gorgeous elderly filipino woman in a feathered hat on the cover (similar to the pic above). I am in love with her. I started reading the first chapter and totally got emotional as I read about concepts like the evolution of human behavior, and diversity bred of flexibility and adaptation.
Ah human diversity, my love! Seriously, it brought tears to my eyes and I got all reflective and nostalgic. How did it take me a decade to discover this field? Oh yeah, because - like many others - I thought anthropology was just studying fossils and nonindustrial cultures (the text points out this common misconception). Not that I don't like fossils and nonindustrial cultures.
Tonight I registered for next semester's classes:
Ah human diversity, my love! Seriously, it brought tears to my eyes and I got all reflective and nostalgic. How did it take me a decade to discover this field? Oh yeah, because - like many others - I thought anthropology was just studying fossils and nonindustrial cultures (the text points out this common misconception). Not that I don't like fossils and nonindustrial cultures.
Tonight I registered for next semester's classes:
- Human-Computer Interaction (one of the last 4 courses of my masters program)
- Family, Power, and Society (my first anthro class)
- Beginning Portuguese*
What an exciting schedule. I'm sooooooooooooo excited!!
Now all I need to do is find a part-time job...and a research opportunity? Dude, I am totally gonna do this. I'm going to fulfill my dream and spend my life loving and discovering humanity and promoting understanding. *sigh*
And, because I'm in a good mood, here's a nice song to share:
*The portuguese is just for fun. I'm hopeful it will work out, but I noticed I was only the second person to sign up for the class...which means it may end up cancelled. :(
New Love? Old Love.
Since my last day of work (a week and a half ago), I've been enjoying a much-desired "vacation from my problems." Pajamas, movie marathons, lunch dates. But yesterday when I learned I didn't get a job I'd interviewed for last week (one that I was somewhat hoping for), I was reminded that the future - in which I enjoy satisfaction AND the means to support myself - requires me to get moving and figure out what it is I want to do.
So I started with what I know I like. You know, good old language and culture. And I spent a few hours thinking, and browsing, and researching. And then, my pulse started to race.
Cultural anthropology! Duh!!!
Anthropology was a subject my brother-in-law suggested to me recently. I thought, "Sure, why not" but I didn't really look into it. Until yesterday. And as I read more about the field it was like love at first sight. Here is a list of some subjects of interest to cultural anthropologists:
I find it amusing that my true passion was evident even in my write-up of career goals when I applied for the IDET program a year and a half ago:
Ok I'm an ignorant pretentious snob, I know. ;) But anyway, I think it's funny how we can know ourselves, and yet struggle so to know how to realize our dreams. I'm grateful how moments of disappointment (I didn't get the job, and I'd better figure out what I want before I run out of money dangit) can provide the impetus for moments of discovery and thrill and satisfying re-direction. Certainly my future is still a big murky unknown*, but I think this field of study seems an alluring path.
*I don't know exactly how to go about incorporating anthropology into my current studies, but I'm working on contacting the U's anthro dept and...I'll figure something out.
So I started with what I know I like. You know, good old language and culture. And I spent a few hours thinking, and browsing, and researching. And then, my pulse started to race.
Cultural anthropology! Duh!!!
Anthropology was a subject my brother-in-law suggested to me recently. I thought, "Sure, why not" but I didn't really look into it. Until yesterday. And as I read more about the field it was like love at first sight. Here is a list of some subjects of interest to cultural anthropologists:
- law and conflict resolution
- technology
- gender relations
- ethnicity
- religion
- values
- etiquette
- worldview
- food
- language
I find it amusing that my true passion was evident even in my write-up of career goals when I applied for the IDET program a year and a half ago:
"Throughout my life I have been fascinated by human diversity. I have resided in Southern California, Northern California, Pennsylvania, Utah, Montana, Hawaii, Puerto Rico, and Taiwan. I have studied Spanish, German, and Chinese. Through employment and volunteer service, I have had opportunities to teach students young and old and of many socioeconomic backgrounds. All these experiences and exposures have allowed me greater understanding of the role of language and cultural paradigms in filtering information...I would like to research and promote the more effective teaching of heterogenous student populations."And did I mention, that I love sushi and Indian food and foreign films? I am like, sooooo culturally aware.
Ok I'm an ignorant pretentious snob, I know. ;) But anyway, I think it's funny how we can know ourselves, and yet struggle so to know how to realize our dreams. I'm grateful how moments of disappointment (I didn't get the job, and I'd better figure out what I want before I run out of money dangit) can provide the impetus for moments of discovery and thrill and satisfying re-direction. Certainly my future is still a big murky unknown*, but I think this field of study seems an alluring path.
*I don't know exactly how to go about incorporating anthropology into my current studies, but I'm working on contacting the U's anthro dept and...I'll figure something out.
Fostering Apostasy Awareness
[Note: I wrote this for another blog, but then thought I might share it here as well. I know some of you have wondered about my new belief system, and within this post you will find some indication. I'm not sure whether this post will be more educational or upsetting? :) I'm both scared and hopeful and interested in hearing your responses.]
After a brief first bout of inactivity early this year, I tried reactivating myself. The short-lived effort (during April-May) was unbearable enough to convince me that reactivation was neither desireable nor worth it. By the end of July, I felt quite comfortable with the idea that I might never return to the LDS Church.
Meanwhile, thanks to therapy, I was beginning to come out of a period of severe depression and social withdrawal. I was spending more time with friends and family, and enjoying the time. I was able to be open enough with my loved ones to share that I'd become voluntarily inactive, and when they took it well, I was ecstatic. But. I felt the simultaneous need to edit myself while around them, and so I continued to feel a bit stifled. A lot stifled.
By the end of August I felt starved for associations with whom I could be completely open. I finally permitted myself to visit a site for ex-mormons (postmormon.org). It was very exciting and, surpisingly, uplifting. For one weekend and throughout the next week I read all the exit stories I could get my hands on. I joined an online social-networking group for ex-mormons. I began to make new friends. Then I began to blog, and to read other blogs, and to actively dissect and define beliefs and to create a new worldview for myself.
Looking back, I consider my association with ex-mormons and new order mormons an essential step towards approaching mormonism in a more balanced, healthy way. It has been incredibly eye-opening and exciting. I've learned that there is a much wider variety of approaches to mormonism than I'd been led to believe (prior to leaving the church, my view of apostasy was incredibly one-dimensional).
I believe there are others who feel themselves trapped by double binds within mormonism, like I once was. I believe such persons would be hugely benefitted by awareness of the diversity of the ex-mormon and new order mormon worlds. If only they knew there was such a thing as respectful dissent...both for believer and nonbeliever alike!
I don't wish to recruit converts to my new self-described agnostic ex-mormon humanistic approach to life. But, I'd like to reach out to those members who feel stifled by fears of heresy. I'd like to help spread awareness about the diverse, multi-dimensional community of believers and non-believers outside of mainstream mormonism.
Hmmmmm....how to accomplish this....
After a brief first bout of inactivity early this year, I tried reactivating myself. The short-lived effort (during April-May) was unbearable enough to convince me that reactivation was neither desireable nor worth it. By the end of July, I felt quite comfortable with the idea that I might never return to the LDS Church.
Meanwhile, thanks to therapy, I was beginning to come out of a period of severe depression and social withdrawal. I was spending more time with friends and family, and enjoying the time. I was able to be open enough with my loved ones to share that I'd become voluntarily inactive, and when they took it well, I was ecstatic. But. I felt the simultaneous need to edit myself while around them, and so I continued to feel a bit stifled. A lot stifled.
By the end of August I felt starved for associations with whom I could be completely open. I finally permitted myself to visit a site for ex-mormons (postmormon.org). It was very exciting and, surpisingly, uplifting. For one weekend and throughout the next week I read all the exit stories I could get my hands on. I joined an online social-networking group for ex-mormons. I began to make new friends. Then I began to blog, and to read other blogs, and to actively dissect and define beliefs and to create a new worldview for myself.
Looking back, I consider my association with ex-mormons and new order mormons an essential step towards approaching mormonism in a more balanced, healthy way. It has been incredibly eye-opening and exciting. I've learned that there is a much wider variety of approaches to mormonism than I'd been led to believe (prior to leaving the church, my view of apostasy was incredibly one-dimensional).
I believe there are others who feel themselves trapped by double binds within mormonism, like I once was. I believe such persons would be hugely benefitted by awareness of the diversity of the ex-mormon and new order mormon worlds. If only they knew there was such a thing as respectful dissent...both for believer and nonbeliever alike!
I don't wish to recruit converts to my new self-described agnostic ex-mormon humanistic approach to life. But, I'd like to reach out to those members who feel stifled by fears of heresy. I'd like to help spread awareness about the diverse, multi-dimensional community of believers and non-believers outside of mainstream mormonism.
Hmmmmm....how to accomplish this....
On This Day in History
Excerpts from all of the November 10 journal entries in my life:
1996 (age 15, living in North Salt Lake, UT): "Yesterday was the Young Women in Excellence program...The main speaker was Ardeth Kapp. She was a great speaker! I didn't really feel the spirit, but she gave me hope that I will."
1998 (age 17, living in San Juan, PR): "I've felt strongly about learning to cook and cooking next year at college. Yikes, that's a little scary to think about. I probably won't end up getting married until I'm like 30 now!"
2001 (age 20, living in Provo, UT): "While reading President Faust's conference talk, I realized how selfish I've been...I am too much motivated by desires for popularity and power. I struggle so much w/ overcoming the flesh and avoiding activities that appeal to my carnal side."
2003 (age 22, living in Fengshan, Taiwan): "I think I could apply for BYU's MS MFHD program starting next fall...Pro's: TRUTH, I love BYU, somewhat close to grandparents and other family, positive environment. Cons: Utah, Provo dating scene*, same University, pride :)"
2004 (age 23, living in Provo MTC): "My first day of my mission is over...Spiritual highlight could be hearing what led up to Elder Parras coming on his mission. He just said that he loves the Lord and that's why he's here. My heart was softened because my initial judgment had been that he probably wasn't the most spiritually mature. But what a beautiful answer!"
I read these entries, and feel I am very much the same person I ever was. I long for wisdom. I am proud. And, I am terrified of being alone. ;)
Of course the first three entries also mentioned frustrations about feeling fat. And if I'd included Nov 12 entries there were even more years of that kind of talk. Hehehe. That's one thing about my heart that's changed...a little. :)
1996 (age 15, living in North Salt Lake, UT): "Yesterday was the Young Women in Excellence program...The main speaker was Ardeth Kapp. She was a great speaker! I didn't really feel the spirit, but she gave me hope that I will."
1998 (age 17, living in San Juan, PR): "I've felt strongly about learning to cook and cooking next year at college. Yikes, that's a little scary to think about. I probably won't end up getting married until I'm like 30 now!"
2001 (age 20, living in Provo, UT): "While reading President Faust's conference talk, I realized how selfish I've been...I am too much motivated by desires for popularity and power. I struggle so much w/ overcoming the flesh and avoiding activities that appeal to my carnal side."
2003 (age 22, living in Fengshan, Taiwan): "I think I could apply for BYU's MS MFHD program starting next fall...Pro's: TRUTH, I love BYU, somewhat close to grandparents and other family, positive environment. Cons: Utah, Provo dating scene*, same University, pride :)"
2004 (age 23, living in Provo MTC): "My first day of my mission is over...Spiritual highlight could be hearing what led up to Elder Parras coming on his mission. He just said that he loves the Lord and that's why he's here. My heart was softened because my initial judgment had been that he probably wasn't the most spiritually mature. But what a beautiful answer!"
I read these entries, and feel I am very much the same person I ever was. I long for wisdom. I am proud. And, I am terrified of being alone. ;)
Of course the first three entries also mentioned frustrations about feeling fat. And if I'd included Nov 12 entries there were even more years of that kind of talk. Hehehe. That's one thing about my heart that's changed...a little. :)
Feeling Crappy is Valuable Too
I had an epiphany the other day. (I know, another one!!)
So my therapist was asking me to describe a certain feeling, and I couldn't do it. I'd think, and I'd look at her (with my best puppydog eyes, of course), and I'd struggle for words. I wanted her to tell me the words to use. Which...of course... she wouldn't. So I failed. I couldn't describe how loneliness felt.
At the end of our session, she asked how I felt about how it had gone. Mostly, I said, I felt frustrated and helpless. Not angry at me? she asked. No.... And she assured me that I'd worked hard, and I began to cry (yes, again!). And she asked me how I felt when I cried, and I said that I felt relieved to think that maybe even if I wasted her time it was still valuable to her.
Which is when it hit me.
I want life to be like that. I want life to feel valuable, even in the moments that feel like a waste. I don't want the moments I spend with other people to only be of value when we feel perfect feelings or communicate effectively or comprehend one another. I don't want to feel frustrated or annoyed if my loved ones are upset, or unhappy. I want them to be allowed to be upset when they're around me. I want them to know that they - and all their feelings - are just as valuable to me, even if I can't (or won't?) make them feel better.
Is that possible? Am I making any sense? What do you think?
So my therapist was asking me to describe a certain feeling, and I couldn't do it. I'd think, and I'd look at her (with my best puppydog eyes, of course), and I'd struggle for words. I wanted her to tell me the words to use. Which...of course... she wouldn't. So I failed. I couldn't describe how loneliness felt.
At the end of our session, she asked how I felt about how it had gone. Mostly, I said, I felt frustrated and helpless. Not angry at me? she asked. No.... And she assured me that I'd worked hard, and I began to cry (yes, again!). And she asked me how I felt when I cried, and I said that I felt relieved to think that maybe even if I wasted her time it was still valuable to her.
Which is when it hit me.
I want life to be like that. I want life to feel valuable, even in the moments that feel like a waste. I don't want the moments I spend with other people to only be of value when we feel perfect feelings or communicate effectively or comprehend one another. I don't want to feel frustrated or annoyed if my loved ones are upset, or unhappy. I want them to be allowed to be upset when they're around me. I want them to know that they - and all their feelings - are just as valuable to me, even if I can't (or won't?) make them feel better.
Is that possible? Am I making any sense? What do you think?
For my brother, I will weep
Today I read more about Major Nidal Hasan, and my heart wept.
Inside every killer, I think there is a hungry heart. Hungry for what? For love? For validation? For agreement and uniformity and harmony? For God?
Oh that we might work for a world in which we can tolerate and even learn to love those with whom we disagree. And not feel threatened - or threatening - because of our differences and disputations.
Inside every killer, I think there is a hungry heart. Hungry for what? For love? For validation? For agreement and uniformity and harmony? For God?
Oh that we might work for a world in which we can tolerate and even learn to love those with whom we disagree. And not feel threatened - or threatening - because of our differences and disputations.
Oh, the Irony!
I hope you can appreciate the humor of this one.
By the time I was a senior in college, I knew I was not going to become a registered dietitian. I thought about choosing a new major, but I felt burned out and didn't want to prolong graduation. I thought psychology seemed an interesting possibility for graduate study, so I decided to join a discussion group and do a little voluntary research.
I quit my job (as a teaching assistant for the nutrition department) and spent some time my last semester at BYU studying spiritual psychotherapy. I loved, loved, loved it. I loved the weekly discussions. I enjoyed meeting with my friend and research-partner Jeremy to philosophize about the psychological underpinings of gospel life. I was thrilled by the exchange of ideas, and felt empowered to be a contributor.
Of course, by the time April had rolled around, I knew psychology was not for me. I enjoyed theoretical exploration far too much. I feared that by pursuing it I would become prideful and apostatize.
Hmmmmmm. That's ironic.
By the time I was a senior in college, I knew I was not going to become a registered dietitian. I thought about choosing a new major, but I felt burned out and didn't want to prolong graduation. I thought psychology seemed an interesting possibility for graduate study, so I decided to join a discussion group and do a little voluntary research.
I quit my job (as a teaching assistant for the nutrition department) and spent some time my last semester at BYU studying spiritual psychotherapy. I loved, loved, loved it. I loved the weekly discussions. I enjoyed meeting with my friend and research-partner Jeremy to philosophize about the psychological underpinings of gospel life. I was thrilled by the exchange of ideas, and felt empowered to be a contributor.
Of course, by the time April had rolled around, I knew psychology was not for me. I enjoyed theoretical exploration far too much. I feared that by pursuing it I would become prideful and apostatize.
Hmmmmmm. That's ironic.
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