Storms are brewin in my eyes...

"We wrap history around ourselves..."

2012-02-13T23:08:00.001-10:00

I was listening to another On Being podcast with Krista Tippett. She was speaking with Dr. Tiya Miles, a woman who has studied a time when some Cherokee landowners held black slaves. Krista questioned her about the pain of bringing to light these stories. In response, Dr. Miles said:

"It's difficult to learn about it, to confront it, to try to talk about it and think about it. And I find that when I do share information with people, sometimes they leave those conversations or they leave the space where maybe I've given a lecture and they still have in their minds the story that maybe their grandparents told them or the story they want to believe about these relationships, which to me is another demonstration of the ways in which we need and use these ideas of the past, we need and use history today. We wrap history around ourselves and we use it to define who we are and we sometimes don't want to face the fact that the stories we've always heard may have been flawed or limited or even wrong."

I added emphasis to that last part, because it really hit home with me. I know from experience that it can be painful and reality-altering to re-examine the past (both individually and culturally) from other viewpoints. I'm grateful for people like her who help us have the courage to share information, promote conversation, and seek healing.

Wishful Thinking

2012-02-07T14:37:00.002-10:00

I distinctly remember attending a band concert in 7th grade and loving it. I remember thinking to myself, "I should have stuck with the clarinet in 4th grade! THEN I could be up on stage playing right now... Oh well. Too late now!"

It's laughable to me that in 7th grade I thought it was too late to start learning a band instrument. But I did, so I didn't. And it's a mental cycle that I repeat over and over. For example, these days I often find myself imagining how I would have done things differently as a teen/young adult -- if I had known then what I know now. I daydream that I would have joined the high school band, I would have played more sports and watched fewer movies, I definitely would have gone to a different university, and I would have majored in something like Chemistry or Math...or LINGUISTICS.

Last night I lay in bed, again feeling jealous of the past. Suddenly I was reminded of the clarinet story, and I had an epiphany: even if I HAD done things differently, extracurriculars and undergraduate degrees would still be over and done. I'd still be 30 years-old, and living in the present! And most likely, I'd have some other set of wistful regrets.

And I realized that if I want to break out of this bad habit of lamenting the past, I need to kill this "too late" mentality. I can't play on a high school team, but I can still play soccer and train for triathlons. I can still sing and play musical instruments. I am still the one in charge of my academic and career trajectory!

I can't say I'll stop feeling regret, especially about undergraduate educational choices. But I really hope I can use that information to be more proactive with my interests and less retrospectively resigned.

It's a New Year

2012-01-29T13:43:00.003-10:00

I finally broke down and did it.

This morning I uninstalled my biggest time waster from my computer: Settlers of Catan (online game). Dave cheered. And then -- I proceeded to have the most productive thesis-related work session in....months!

That game is deceptive! You think you'll just take a quick 25-minute break to reward yourself but somehow those 25 minutes can turn into a couple hours or more. So. Easily. ("I'll just play until I win a game...make that just until I win two in a row...")

Turns out that when I don't have the distracting possibility of a mindless game to play, I can actually get work done.

Catan, I will miss you. But I've wasted an embarrassing amount of time with you in the last 9 months. And I really want to finish my thesis before it's time to start my dissertation.

Mashed Potato Enchiladas

2012-01-29T08:33:00.001-10:00

The other night we felt like enchiladas. Looking for veggie enchilada recipes, I came across this: Mashed Potato and Roasted Vegetable Enchiladas...and I was intrigued. We made significant modifications to the recipe in the interest of time (we were starving) and ingredients on hand. I'm not a fan of instant mashed potatoes, so we whipped up some fresh mashed potatoes while simultaneously sauteing and steaming other veggies.

We prepared fresh mashed potatoes (with plenty of milk for a light, fluffy texture) and folded in sauteed onions/red bell pepper/mushrooms as well as steamed carrots/broccoli/zucchini and black beans. I'm too lazy to roll enchiladas, so we did our usual enchilada casserole. We layered the veggie mixture with enchilada sauce, softened corn tortilla pieces, and some shredded colby jack cheese and baked it in the oven for 20 minutes (350 degrees). I thought it was surprisingly delicious - the mashed potatoes provided a creamy texture and the vegetables added substance. In the future I will use less mashed potatoes, more enchilada sauce (for flavor, mostly), more beans (possibly) and I'll take the time to roast the vegetables (to maximize flavor....mmmm).

When Dreams Actually Make Sense

2011-12-19T09:51:00.001-10:00

Last night I dreamed that it was time to go to the airport but I had not packed or backed up my laptop computer. Dave said, "I kept telling you to pack!" but I responded that although I'd watched him pack his suitcases he'd never actually told me to pack (lol!). Then he left for the airport while I stayed behind and tried to figure out what clothes to bring. An hour and a half later I finally made it to the gate with 10 minutes to spare, only to realize I'd forgotten my passport. I boarded the plane anyway, but Dave's seat was empty as we taxied out to the runway. I looked at my phone and saw that he'd texted me earlier saying he was waiting in the airport lobby and to let him know when I arrived. Whoops. I asked the pilot if I could use my cell phone to call him. Magically it all worked out, and Dave appeared before we took off. Then I had to admit to him that I'd forgotten my passport, and we discussed who could send it to us in time for our international travels three days later.

And then I woke up, and couldn't get back to sleep because [not surprisingly] I kept thinking of all the things I have to do before we go on vacation. I told my dream to Dave this morning, and he responded, "You better start packing!" Hehe

The Holidays

2011-12-18T10:03:00.000-10:00

I read an article recently called "The December Dilemma." It was about how multi-faith families deal with Christmas and other religious holidays. It was interesting to read, because I'm now part of a multi-faith family. Yet, in my opinion, having a multi-faith family makes December less of a dilemma.

For one, it's just an opportunity for twice the fun (and good food)! Even before I met and fell in love with Dave, I imagined that I would want to introduce my future children to Christmas AND Chanukah and holidays of other faiths. That may seem strange to some, but I've always loved learning about cultural traditions and participating when I can. I love to see Dave light the menorah and sing the Hebrew prayers. I enjoy making latkes and applesauce together. So it's kind of a dream come true to know this will be a tradition in my home.

In a surprising way, celebrating Chanukah together makes me more excited about celebrating Christmas together. It has reminded me of the importance of remembering cultural heritage and creating family traditions. I'm not sure which Christmas traditions I will pass on from my own upbringing, but Christmas stockings will probably be one of them. Who doesn't love finding an over-sized article of clothing magically filled with goodies on Christmas morning??

Another reason I like being part of a multi-faith family is that we have an excuse to do things our own way. There's no pressure to go "all out". As an adult I've become more interested in becoming less consumerist, so with two holidays to celebrate it allows me to be more conscious and selective about the role of gifts in my home. I'm just lucky Dave supports my antipathy towards presents...

So in reality, the biggest dilemma posed by December is actually just making it through the end of the semester! After that, it's all one big party! This year I'm looking forward to the much needed break of the next few weeks: Christmas with my family, Chanukah with Dave's family, and then an adventurous get-away to Israel with Dave's parents for the New Year. Hooray for good times ahead!

My Voice of Tribute

2011-12-04T04:11:00.005-10:00

Yesterday was my grandmother's funeral. She was a woman with a generous, loving heart, and there were many willing and desirous to pay her tribute. The shared gratitude we all felt for having known and loved her, and having been known and loved by her in return, was a comfort.

The funeral was bittersweet for me though - sweet for the opportunity to celebrate and feel inspired by who she was, but bitter too in the necessary simplification or flattening of the wholeness of her life and character. It seemed somehow cheap to me that her memory will live on only in alignment with our limited and rather egocentric memories.

I don't think that should be a bitter thing that we all take away something different - I think it is a beautiful truth that we all have individual interactions and perspectives - but yesterday, the uniqueness of my perspective felt unacknowledged or out of step - and that was difficult for me.

I was reminded of an experience I had with my grandma near the end of her life. We were attending a family celebration, and in a rare slip Grandma revealed that she just wasn't comfortable or in the mood for a party. Unfortunately, she also had no choice. I tried to cheer her up and tell her how glad I was to see her, but in a raised voice she snapped, "You people are crazy!"

Maybe you'll think I'm heartless - but I giggled in response, and just loved her more. It was endearing in a way for this woman who spent so much of her life seeking after the happiness of others to acknowledge she had some needs and desires of her own!

I think Grandma would have patted my hand and given me a smile if she had seen me slip up as well yesterday, as I too felt powerless to celebrate this family event in a way that satisfied my personal needs and desires.

My grandparents are all gone now, but they have left an indelible impression on my life. Grandma and Grandpa James were quite the pair - she a woman of quiet, simple faith, and he a man of good-humored reason and skepticism. I doubt they always shared the same view of life, but they were clearly united in what to me seems most important: goodwill towards men.

Wherever he went, Grandpa had a joke and a smile for anyone and everyone. Grandma, in turn, was ever ready to offer up something good to eat and a comforting hand. They exemplified goodness without ever being preachy or dogmatic. Their language, their gifts, and their hearts were sincere - and inclusive.

Their home was the most magical place of my childhood. It was a place where I wanted to feel special - and always did. I felt loved not for this or that act of skill or righteousness, but just for being ME. My grandpa laughed at my jokes, my grandma rewarded my requests.

I wish I could have really known them as an adult. I'm sure I would find a kindred spirit in my grandpa - how I would love to pick his brain! I would be more attentive to my Grandma's hidden needs and desires. I would tell them that the unconditional love they showed me as a child informs my character and purpose as an adult. I would tell them their legacy of goodwill will carry on.

A Taste of the Psychology of Writing

2011-11-29T13:27:00.001-10:00

Every Tuesday I have to write a paper reacting to one or two assigned readings for my Psychology of Writing class. And every Tuesday I HATE the writing process, while I LOVE the reflection it prompts.

I would love to teach this course someday, and of course I would likely force my students to engage in this same love-hate writing process.

I am going to do something really dorky. I am going to share an abridgment of my writing for this week, Reaction Paper #12 (a response to What Writing Doesn't Represent: How Texts are to be Taken, from The World on Paper by David R. Olson). I do this in the rare chance that someone will read this and find it interesting enough to talk to me about it sometime. Lol...

Speaking of the human species, Carl Sagan once said, “We are a way for the cosmos to know itself.” As writing has evolved over time, from logographic record-keeping to a much closer approximation of human speech, it has become a way for humans to know themselves by raising awareness of the elements of our own communication. Not only has writing facilitated consciousness of the phonetic and syntactic elements of language, it has also revealed the participation of illocutionary force in communicating meaning.

Verbal communication is a multifaceted process of which the language used is only a part. Because language is a consensual rather than personal symbol system, it can only approximate meaning. Illocutionary force, made manifest through paralinguistic features such as volume or tone of voice, serves to clarify a speaker’s intent. For example, it is through illocutionary cues that a listener can distinguish between a question, command, or assertion. Illocutionary force thus becomes useful for narrowing the field of possible interpretations of a spoken message.

Awareness of illocution in both writing and speaking seems to correspond with the literacy of an individual or culture. Preliterate children often fail to distinguish between what a speaker says and what a speaker means. Similarly, in non-literate societies such as the Ilingot, assertions of fact are not distinguished from declaratives. In both cases, the message delivered is conflated with the meaning understood. Speech is not perceived as subject to interpretation.

Of course, some types of spoken discourse are more unclear than others and may raise a degree of awareness of the need for contextualization, even within non-literate societies. For example, quoting the speech of another usually requires special presentation. Most cultures utilize metalinguistic features, including speech act verbs such as “it is said” to set apart quoted speech. Through imitation, intonation and description the reciter can communicate the intended meaning of the quoted material. Because of the ephemeral nature of verbal text and the difficulty of preserving lengthy messages word-for-word, however, interpretative questions are usually relegated to a select few individuals with authority or expertise rather than to the text of the message itself.

The use of writing addresses the problem of limited memory by making verbatim transcription possible, but compounds the problem of ambiguity by further separating messages from their original contexts. This is apparent in the difficulty of interpreting ancient texts, many of which are limited to representations of speech (but without representations of communicative intent). Gradually, writing systems introduced means for lexicalizing aspects of illocutionary force. Some of the same mechanisms used in dealing with quotations in speech were gradually incorporated into writing systems. Once limited to representations of language only, modern writing utilizes speech act terms, mental state terms, descriptiveness, and punctuation to fill in communication gaps.

In making the reader conscious of the interpretive process through limited illocutionary force, written text actually provides a conceptual advantage. Although many readers today still fail to recognize reading and writing as interpretive acts, the gradual supplementation of language with metalinguistic features has paralleled a growing awareness of the role of illocutionary force.

(Wow, did you actually read that? If you did and have any comments or questions, let me know! I'd love to talk about this topic sometime! :)

Saying Goodbye

2011-11-19T21:52:00.002-10:00

It seems that my grandma is probably not going to be around for much longer.

As I noted earlier this week, she has lived a long, full, wonderful life. She has been alone for the past three years since my grandpa passed away. But, it is still painful to say goodbye. When she goes, all of my grandparents will be gone.

I can't sleep. I lay here reminiscing, and thinking too about what her life and death mean for me. How has she influenced my life thus far, and how can I pay her tribute moving forward?

These are some of my favorite memories of Grandma:

Thinking I was talking to her through the video camera as a child
The anticipation of her USPS packages filled with frosted cookies wrapped in foil
Christmas gifts, birthday gifts, unbirthday gifts, oh my!
The impressive collection of cereal, cookies and sweets at her home
Her basement filled with things of another, mysterious world: vintage children’s books and magazines, classic games and dress-ups, and strange-looking Barbie dolls
How she took care of me when I burned my hand on the stove
The bag of birthday candies she gave me with her typed disclaimer that maybe a homeless person would appreciate them if I didn’t (I was a finicky teenager at the time)
Visiting during lunchtime on summer days before and after my mission (when I wasn't employed and had more free time) while she and Grandpa would share a single Meals-on-Wheels meal between them
Listening to classical music and enjoying peanut butter wafer cookies together
Our weekly phone calls as I drove between Wahiawa and Kaneohe after work (during the time I lived in Hawaii)
Trying to help her use the phone
The time she surprised me by calling my cell phone as I jogged near her assisted living facility
The time a disoriented woman walked into her room, interrupting our visit
The way she shook her head at things she thought were nonsensical
Her continual desire to help
Holding her hand
Seeing her smile

More Interpretation

2011-11-16T12:12:00.002-10:00

If there's anything I've learned from my psychology of writing class, it's that words, ideas, and events can often support multiple meaningful interpretations.

So yesterday, I was listening to the radio during some travel time. I checked one of the classical stations (which is broadcast from BYU) and realized that the Tuesday morning devotional was just beginning. Most Tuesdays during the academic semester, BYU invites different faculty or guests to speak on academic and/or religious topics.

I remember really enjoying watching many Tuesday morning devotionals when I was a BYU student. Of course, at the time the contents of the talks also served to mold and support my worldview. So - theology aside, I wondered what I would think about the message being offered in yesterday's devotional...and I decided to listen in! :)

It's interesting how something can feel so familiar and yet mean something so different. I listened as the speaker related several life experiences and then, through personal application of his religious understanding, presented the meaning he had drawn from these experiences. While I don't share his view of the "eternal implications," I truly enjoyed hearing him reminisce, and I agreed that the experiences he shared were really beautiful and important events (usually about human connection).

I was somewhat saddened by one story though. The speaker told of a man who had left Mormonism in his youth. When the man was middle-aged, he was contacted by home teachers (members of the local LDS congregation) who asked if they could visit him monthly. The man declined their visits, but agreed that they could send him a monthly postcard.

For 28 years he received monthly postcards. Then, his wife passed away. The speaker asked, "And who do you think he turned to for comfort?" The answer: his home teachers.

The speaker did not talk of a man returning for theology - he said that the man was looking for comfort and support. I was stunned, wondering within myself - what kind of man seeks comfort from people he's had such extremely limited contact with? Had he no better social support?

And I felt sad. I am sad for those who, for one reason or another, disconnect (or never connect in the first place) and then never quite figure out how to [re]connect to a community that meets their needs. For example, I am glad that the man was able to feel a sense of belonging and peace in a time of great personal sorrow, but I am sad that after so many years of life the best social connection he had to fall back on was a monthly one-way communication.

One of the greatest things about my experience growing up LDS was the tight-knit community. As a youth I was surrounded by people who knew me, loved me, and cheered me on. When I moved to Taiwan after college, I again had an immediate support network via my local LDS congregation.

When I broke with the faith, I found myself in a position I'd never before known: other than my family and friends, I no longer had a pre-existing, geography-based support group to belong to!

For me, the whole experience has been a great opportunity to reflect on human connection. In losing my built-in network, the onus is on me to recognize my needs as a social being, to reach out to others, and to work to create the kind of community I need/want. I am lucky to have so many resources (like counseling, continuing education, and a network of great friends) to help me in this journey.

But I am reminded by this speaker's story that there are still so, so many people around us who are hungry for connection and simply know not how to find it.

Grandma

2011-11-15T14:02:00.001-10:00

My grandmother is 88 years old, and so of course every day closer to making her way out of this world.

I visited her today, and I couldn't help but note how feeble she has become. She sat in her wheelchair, dozing, and I marveled to think of the vivacious young woman she must have been. Not so long ago, she ran! She laughed, and played! She studied and put her mind and hands to use serving others. She made a life with my grandpa, and together they raised a beautiful family. So much life!

After lunch, she was helped into bed for a nap. I sat in the next room, thinking. I heard her speak and went to the bedside. She was talking in her sleep. "The sun is shining," she said, "so that's good." She spoke more while asleep than she had during the hour previous, while several of us had sat with her for lunch.

Her eyes fluttered open as I stood watching, and she smiled. She called me a name I don't recognize (Annette?). I wonder who she thought I was! :)

I watched my grandma sleep, and I wondered if I was looking at my future. I only hope I can live so full a life!

Calling Me Out

2011-11-14T05:19:00.001-10:00

P.S. Lately Dave's favorite response to my questions is a series of more questions, followed eventually by, "How many questions do you have to ask me before we get to the 1% so I can actually give you an answer?"

What a punk! :)

Feeling all Lovey Dovey

2011-11-13T18:16:00.001-10:00

Lately I've been thinking about when Dave and I first started dating (March 2010), and how I just had no idea how incredible he was/is. He is the best listener and has such a tender heart. Life together just gets better and better everyday!

Plus he has all these adorable traits. He loves to garden. He has turned one of the rooms in the house into a veritable greenhouse, and he charts the progress of his little seedlings.

He likes to fix things, and he's good at it! Our waste disposal (kitchen sink) stopped working recently, so I was pushing to buy a new one. To please me, he agreed and we placed the order last night. Then this morning he decided to just take a look - and next thing you know the insinkerator is working again.

And he's an incredible saute-er. I love cooking with him. He made us chicken fajitas for dinner tonight while I did work and jogged. Soooo delicious. What a guy!

Responding to Questions

2011-11-08T12:36:00.000-10:00

One of my favorite opportunities when I was LDS was that of teaching a Sunday School class especially for teachers - "Teaching: No Greater Call". The course, aimed to help instructors better understand and fulfill their opportunities to "teach", also helped awaken in me a passion for understanding teaching/learning that continues to this day (as a student of the psychology of learning).

I was especially intrigued by one of the lessons I taught in that course - the idea that a teacher should respond to questions asked by asking more questions. A good teacher, I learned, does not provide the answers - but rather supports students in discovering the answers for themselves.

I have found that approach helpful not only in classroom settings, but in my personal life. My first therapist, for example, consistently used this approach. She responded to my questions with answers about 1% of the time; the other 99% of the time she encouraged me to dig deeper and do the work to figure out my own thoughts and feelings. The result was a sense of empowerment. I thrilled at the opportunity to know myself and appreciated the responsibility that came with assuming ownership over my personal morality.

Recently I heard a story about which I've continued to reflect:

A child raised by a Catholic mother and a Protestant father was schooled in the Catholic tradition. One day in 2nd grade, her teacher (a nun) explained to the class that Protestants would not be going to Heaven. The child was understandably distraught, and ran home as quickly as possible at the end of the day. When she told her mother what had happened, she asked her mom if the nun was correct.

"What do you think?" the mother asked.

"I think she was wrong," the child said.

"Why do you think the nun would have said that?" the mother asked.

After thinking a bit, the child responded, "Because she doesn't know Father."

The mother hugged her child and said, "You're a very smart little girl. I'm proud of you."

How might her mother have responded? She could have said something like, "That's just the way things are," or "I don't understand everything, but I trust God will sort things out." But no - instead she took the opportunity first to encourage her child to look inward, and second to support her child in trusting her own intuition. What I find most interesting about the story is that the child grew up and chose to become a Catholic nun (Sister Joan Chittister). It seems to me that this kind of "trust your gut" response helped the girl to gain the confidence necessary to walk her own path within a wider realm of religious practice. From what I understand, Sister Chittister has been a great feminist leader who has done much good in and out of Catholicism, not afraid to trust her gut and push the boundaries.

While our society tends to function with a top-down approach, I think a top-down approach in teaching can really miss the mark and deprive individuals of rich opportunities for growth and development. I think it is so important to teach children how to search and wrestle for answers rather than simply accept what is handed down from the top. Which is exactly the message of one of my favorite quotes:

"A fundamental change is required from teaching strategies in which authorities bring information and knowledge to students to strategies in which individuals are responsible for obtaining and shaping knowledge for themselves." -A Roadmap for Educational Technology, 2010

It is my hope and belief that as we engage children in searching for rather than knowing answers, they will be more likely to enjoy and take responsibility for their learning.

Definition of a Doubter

2011-11-05T10:09:00.000-10:00

"They may decide for sure that they don't believe in God, but they don't decide for sure that they really know what the universe is all about. They decide for sure that questioning's for them."

This quote came from a fantastic OnBeing podcast called "A History of Doubt." I love it, because questionning has always been central to my sense of meaning. I was reminded of that in a class recently, as I peppered the instructor and my classmates with questions. Yes - I am still that annoying girl who won't shut up. :) I just don't want to hold my tongue - I want to understand! And so...I question.

Back to the podcast. I also really liked what historian Jennifer Michael Hecht had to say when describing her own approach to religion. It parallels some of my feelings, and is presented quite eloquently.

Ms. Tippett: I have to ask you, do you consider yourself a religious person?

Ms. Hecht: No, I consider myself a doubter. I'm in a difficult position because, having read the documents that I read in order to write this book and having thought them through and written the book, I find that the modern terms atheist, agnostic and believer are so wrong-headed, so misunderstood, and sort of calcifying sections of thought that really need not be calcified, that I really hesitate to align myself with any of them.

Ms. Tippett: OK, tell me what's gone wrong and what you would propose instead.

Ms. Hecht: Well, I like the conversation to be more fluid, and I'm willing to answer the question that you're getting at with more sort of piecemeal terms. I can say that I don't believe that there is any thinking to the universe. I don't believe that there's any overall force that created us, is watching us and gave us a text to follow. I don't think it's particularly useful either to talk about a force that's coursing through all nature and is somehow cohesive. I don't believe in an afterlife, though I can't imagine how anyone could get any evidence whatsoever on that question. So certainly that's one where you say, you know, the force of life and consciousness seems to be material.

On the other hand, I feel that religion has been such a crucial aspect of the human experience and that people who — that I won't align myself with any doctrine which entirely rejects it as, say, bunk or some mass hysteria, foolishness, childishness. Those aspects of atheists' discussion I think are reasonable if you point them at very specific types of religious beliefs, specific moments. But overall, you miss too much of what's really going on in those ways, and that's why I'm so careful about my terms.

Bean Soup with Kale: 5 stars

2011-11-03T17:07:00.000-10:00

Om nom nom this is so good!!! Packed with flavor. I have eaten half the soup already and will be making it again (I still have more kale). Original recipe found here. I made some tweaks (doubled the kale, added some extra water, and used different beans), so my recipe was more like this:

1 tablespoon olive oil or canola oil
1 heaping T minced garlic
1 medium onion, chopped
8 cups chopped raw kale
4 cups chicken or vegetable broth*
2 cups water
1 (15 ounce) cans garbanzo beans*
1 (15 ounce) cans kidney beans*
2 medium tomatoes, chopped
1 Tbsp dried Italian herb seasoning

Directions

In a large pot, heat olive oil. Add garlic and onion; saute until soft. Add kale and saute, stirring, until wilted. Add 4 cups of broth, 1 cup water, 2 cups of beans, and all of the tomato, herbs, salt and pepper. Simmer 5 minutes. In a blender or food processor, mix the remaining beans and broth until smooth. Stir into soup to thicken. Simmer 20-30 minutes.

*The recipe called for low-sodium broth; unfortunately, I just had normal chicken boullion on hand. I planned to half the bouillion, but did the math wrong (whoops). It was almost too salty. Next time, I will probably use 2 cups broth + 4 cups water, or 3 cups low-sodium broth + 3 cups water.

*The recipe also called for white beans, undrained. I missed the undrained part - next time I won't drain the beans. However, I thought the contrast of the kidney and garbanzo beans was fantastic - I can't imagine it any other way. I might even add more beans next time.

Interpretation

2011-11-01T17:00:00.000-10:00

Lately we've been studying hermeneutics - the science of interpretation - in my Psychology of Writing class. The field of hermeneutics originated from the interpretation of ancient religious texts.

In scriptural hermeneutics, authority is taken for granted and modern meaningfulness is the primary goal; thus, understanding the original context becomes less important. Historical hermeneutics, on the other hand, attempts to recapture the original, intended meaning of ancient texts. Modern relevance is not assumed; and, authority claims are considered secondary to a critical analysis of ancient meaning.

While the historical approach is clearly more appropriate for academic study, one approach is not necessarily better than the other. Both approaches have their place. I think most of us have known the thrill of finding personal meaning in some text or other (whether sacred or not).

Anyway, as we've been discussing and reading about interpretation in class, I've been pondering reasons for the enduring meaningfulness of the canonized texts of several world religions. I have my own opinions on the matter, of course, but I really liked a quote that I heard earlier this week. I was listening to a podcast in which Krista Tippet was discussing the meaning of the Exodus story with a Jewish scholar, and Tippett said:

"myth, as the ancient Greek statesman Solon once said, is not about something that never happened but about something that happens over and over again."

I thought it was a beautiful idea. I'm letting it marinate in the back of my mind for a while.

On Prayer

2011-10-26T13:49:00.003-10:00

When I think about meaningful prayer in my life, some precious memories come to mind:

The thrill of unexpectedly finding a potential course of study that seemed a good match for my skills and interests. (I didn't end up pursuing that particular course of study, but I still remember how excited and grateful I felt when I found it! It was one of those moments that felt like an unspoken prayer being answered)
The swell of gratitude in my heart as I biked up a mountain alone on a late spring Sunday.
The words of a strong, independent Taiwanese woman - addressed to an unknown god. She spoke in Chinese and I did not understand the meaning of her words, yet I felt so deeply touched as her words revealed the vulnerability and hidden yearnings of her heart.

What is the role of prayer for the non-believer? It strikes me that while once I took comfort thinking of prayer as a two-sided conversation - a platform for divine supplication - prayer was often most rewarding when it simply afforded me a glimpse into the treasures and desires of my own heart - and the hearts of others. I thought about that today, and felt inspired as I listened to this beautiful poem by Mary Oliver:

"The Summer Day"

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean—
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down—
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

A Good Day

2011-10-24T18:25:00.002-10:00

I've been thinking about Pankaj Mishra's criticism of "the idea of history being this great narrative of progress". His criticism resounded with my own beliefs. I do not think that what makes a society great is its scientific knowledge, its technological achievements, or its prosperity. Rather, I believe that what makes a society great has much more to do with the way individuals in that society interact.

To put it simply, I don't believe that goodness can be equated with or even defined by conventional measures of "success". But today I found myself considering the question: If I don't measure the value of an individual or society in conventional terms, why do I still evaluate how I spend my time from day-to-day in conventional terms?

I realized today that if someone were to ask me to define what a "good day" is like, the first words that would come to my mind are "productive" and "efficient". And then I realized, I'm not sure that's the kind of definition I want to emphasize!

Productivity is nice, of course - and certainly helpful. But ultimately, do I want my main desire to be, in effect, "to accomplish goals at a timely pace"? Honestly - no.

I want to take steps to make sure my sense of day-to-day satisfaction is not primarily determined by my progress/success towards some checklist of tasks or accomplishments...

More on Bonhoeffer's Philosophy

2011-10-20T06:28:00.002-10:00

I just wanted to share this quote from Bonhoeffer that I found personally meaningful. Theology aside, I have had similar thoughts and feelings.

"The first service that one owes to others in community consists in listening to them. Just as love for God begins with listening to His Word, so the beginning of love for the brethren is learning to listen to them. It is God's love for us that He not only gives His Word but also lends us His ear. …Many people are looking for an ear that will listen. They do not find it among Christians because these Christians are talking where they should be listening. But he who can no longer listen to his brother will soon be no longer listening to God either; he will be doing nothing but prattle in the presence of God. This is the beginning of the death of the spiritual life, and, in the end, there is nothing left but spiritual chatter and clerical condescension arrayed in pious words."

It reminded me of the famous passage from Jeremiah 5:21 (repeated in Matthew 13:13):

"Hear now this, O foolish people, and without understanding; which have eyes, and see not; which have ears, and hear not."

"Life is War"

2011-10-20T06:14:00.000-10:00

In my dream last night...

I was traveling back in time. I visited friends and family, one of whom asked me, "Is the First World War really the last world war?"**

"No," I said sadly.

The friend looked at me, confused. Feeling wise, and in my attempt to explain away the lack of world peace, I responded, "Life is war."

**It's kind of funny to note that 1) the person I was addressing was not even alive during the First or Second World Wars, and 2) WWI only became known as such once there was a WWII! But you'll have to forgive me, apparently in my dream state I failed to attend to details!

Soon after that, I woke up.

I had to laugh at Dream Sarah's attempt at wisdom, but I wasn't really surprised at the subject of my thoughts. In the last two days, I've listened to a couple podcasts focused on how two great thinkers (The Buddha and Dietrich Bonhoeffer) approached the subject of human purpose and conflict. I found the similarities and differences of their philosophies quite thought-provoking.

I know very little about Buddhist philosophy, but I enjoyed thinking about how Indian journalist Pankaj Mishra applied it. He suggested that it's very easy for us to think that all those warring countries need is a little democracy -- you know, what's worked in the West. But he questioned how well the Western model is actually working, bringing up the many wars of the 20th (and now 21st) century. In his opinion, it's this endless striving for utopias (whether authoritarian or capitalist) juxtaposed with "the idea of history being this great narrative of progress" that is problematic.

It was quite interesting to think about. How else would we think about the world, if not in terms of the "narrative of progress"? I got the impression that Mishra did not think that an altered paradigm would necessarily eliminate political conflict, but it would help detach an individual's peace from the goings-on of the world outside the individual.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer was a pacifist who approached the subject of peace from a very different perspective. Said he, "Peace is the great adventure. It can never be safe; it is the opposite of security." His life provides important context for this quote: Bonhoeffer was a German Christian theologian who was executed for his participation in a failed attempt to assassinate Adolf Hitler.

I feel that both the philosophies of Buddha (as interpreted by Mishra) and Bonnhoeffer provide meaningful insight. Peace is not in the world, nor is it likely to be achieved by our drive for "modern progress". Yet, pursuing our personal peace also often requires action that exposes ourselves to tension, opposition, and risk. It's a fascinating interplay.

Perfection and the Messiness of Life

2011-10-18T14:14:00.000-10:00

I work with verbal data (I study things people have said during learning experiments). As you can imagine, trying to quantify individually variable, qualitative information is very messy work. So messy, in fact, that perfect accuracy is near humanly impossible. And timely perfect accuracy? Out of the question!

So, I was complaining to a new friend the other day about my research. I expressed how uncomfortable I am with my inability to be always perfect at my work. Lately I dread even starting, I said, because I'm dissatisfied with myself even before I begin! To be honest, I've been questioning whether this kind of work is really a good fit for me.

And then my friend said something brilliant. "Your research is kind of a metaphor for life, isn't it?" And she was right.

Life, like verbal data, is messy. Perfect performance is humanly impossible. But though difficult to sort out, verbal data provides rich insight into complex processes. Likewise, there is richness and reward in the ups, downs, twists and turns of life. I'd be selling myself short if I let the perfectionism in me kill my motivation to do challenging things. Where's the growth in straight lines and easy answers?

Stress and Spirituality

2011-10-18T06:58:00.002-10:00

I highly recommend the most recent episodes of "On Being" that I've listened to. They are both from 2006 (I'm starting with the earliest episodes available on iTunes).

In Globalizing the Sacred, Professor Manuel Vasquez discussed the role that religion plays in helping immigrants to this country. It was especially interesting to me because of the time I spent as a missionary in Los Angeles. As I listened, I felt so moved by the shared human desire for peace and connection.

In Stress and the Balance Within, Krista Tippet interviewed a biomedical researcher who discussed the relationship between stress and disease, especially auto-immune diseases. She talked about how loving and believing can help the healing process.

Dr. Esther Sternberg said something I really liked:

"...there is a lot of fear and stress out there. And it may not always be possible, but I do think we need to find, each one of us, our place of peace and try to go there every day....Some people may find it through meditation, some through prayer, some through yoga, some through exercise, some through music, some through reading, some through art, you know, whatever it is that does it for you. And any amount of time that you can devote to going off line in whatever way you find, will help."

I think that one of the many benefits of religion is the structure it provides for seeking out just such a "place of peace". Of course, I realized recently that even with the structure once provided me by Mormonism, it took years of practice for that daily and weekly communion to become both habitual and personally meaningful.

I'm pleased to find that as I invest commensurate study and effort, I am creating new habits that serve to help me ponder what this life means to me and to renew my personal peace.

Everyday Smiles

2011-10-15T10:35:00.000-10:00

Back when I was trying to figure out the best way to store washcloths in our bathroom, I decided I could roll them up and display them in a tin basket, bouquet style. I have to admit it was pretty cute. But that only lasted for a few weeks or so. It wasn't long before I was just dumping newly cleaned cloths on top of the others (without rolling them).

But to this day, every time Dave washes washcloths, he rolls them and arranges them in the original bouquet style. It always brings a smile to my face.

Meaning and Religious Texts

2011-10-13T14:58:00.004-10:00

I am really loving "On Being". I just finished this wonderful episode from a week ago, in which Krista Tippets interviewed a Jewish scholar, Avivah Zornberg. It surprised me throughout the episode to note Zornberg's boldness in describing God. Basing her attributions largely on midrashic texts, she often confidently employed the phrases, "God thinks" "God wants" "God feels".

While I may not share her view of God, I delighted at her interpretations - at what the stories of Adam & Eve and Noah meant to her. Her thoughts were deep, beautiful and insightful. I admired and was edified by her concerted effort to magnify the meaning and beauty of life through her studies.

And as I listened it suddenly struck me - while many people find religious texts useful for understanding the mind of God, how useful they can be for understanding the mind of man! I am fascinated by how people make sense of their life experiences through metaphor.

Einstein's God and Evolving Spirituality

2011-10-11T12:56:00.002-10:00

I recently discovered an NPR series called "On Being" (originally "Speaking of Faith"). I downloaded the series of podcasts on iTunes and started my listening with a couple episodes focused on Albert Einstein's views on God, ethics, etc.

I am excited for this opportunity to explore human "religion, meaning, ethics and ideas." I haven't quite finished the 2nd episode, but already have been struck by a handful of thoughts:

1) It would be very easy for a religious speaker to unknowingly use Einstein's words out of context. Although Einstein used terminology common to Judeochristian tradition, his concept of the divine was quite different than might have been thought based on his use of words (for example, he spoke of "the Lord" quite often but did not believe in a personally involved God who would reward/punish human behavior - which is central to judeochristian theology).

This actually quite fascinated me, because I felt I could relate. Especially when I'd first left Mormonism, I still found the metaphors of my religious heritage useful for describing my experiences. For example, leaving the cultural environment of my youth evoked in me the feelings of leaving the Garden of Eden.

2) It would be almost impossible to represent Einstein's belief system with a single one of his quotations. This is because Einstein's spirituality evolved over time. I don't know why this should have been so surprising. Pondering this idea, I realized that the same could be said of me. If someone were to represent my spiritual beliefs today with something I said five years ago, they might see partial evidence of an enduring value, but they would not know the whole story.

And then it dawned on me, that it is probably true of almost everyone, even those who maintain the same faith throughout life. For who can live each additional day, experience life, and come away thinking/feeling/interpreting exactly the same way that they did the day before?

Yet - how easy it is to pick a handful of statements professed by an individual on one occasion or another and suggest that those ideas comprehend that individual's perspective. This demonstrates to me the need for context.

To approach an understanding of Einstein's mind, I learned, requires not only knowing some of his words but knowing many of his words, especially words from an extended period of time. It requires understanding not only the historical, textual meanings of his words but also the personal connotations. It requires knowing about his life experiences. It requires allowing for and even expecting contradiction - evidence of evolution and change in the way he thought/felt about things.

I believe the same is true for understanding the spirituality of any other human. One's spiritual framework is to a certain extent a moving target, heavily embedded in the context of everyday experiences.

Homo Fabulans

2011-10-01T18:31:00.149-10:00

"Seated where I am, I am writing a book and this fact is imbedded more or less in the center of the story of my life, time being spatialized into a journey of my days and years. New situations are selectively perceived as part of this ongoing story, perceptions that do not fit into it being unnoticed or at least not remembered. More important, situations are chosen which are congruent to this ongoing story, until the picture I have of myself in my life story determines how I am to act and choose in novel situations as they arise." - Julian Jaynes, American psychologist

To be human is to be a meaning-maker. From our earliest consciousness we are bombarded with all sorts of stimuli, and our brain functions to make sense of it. Who am I? How do I fit into this world? What is my story? Not surprisingly, this running narrative has a strong influence on our future actions.

From our families, our cultures, our societies we receive stories that direct our attention and organize our thoughts and experiences as we develop. As noted above, we are challenged by the drive to create a story that is coherent. We are thrilled by information that supports our existing story; we are upset by information that does not. We may respond to disturbing information by questioning and perhaps altering our framework, but we are much more likely to avoid, ignore, dismiss, or justify away the dissonance. As unsettling as it is to consider, we humans are prone to confirmation bias and are masters of spin.

Fall Update

2011-09-27T13:51:00.002-10:00

Because it's 5:30 pm and I still have a paper to write, statistics to solve, and possibly a jog to get in as well -- here I am, blogging.

A few weeks ago, I decided dinner making was getting overwhelming. Before I met Dave, I'm pretty sure I only cooked a real meal about once a week, IF that. The rest of the time I ate quesadillas, lean cuisines, or out in a restaurant.

Since meeting Dave, I've spent more time cooking than...ever before. However, cooking/eating/cleaning up always takes a big chunk out of the evening, and I resent that. I thought that maybe Dave and I could alternate nights, but in the end it's nice to have each other's company in the kitchen. I've thought we should do some "weekly cooking prep" on the weekends...but who am I kidding. Weekend time is even more precious than weeknight time!

So, my most recent plan (those who know me well know I love to think up new plans) is to mostly eat vegetarian on weeknights. For the most part, I'm very satisfied so far. It feels like it takes much less forethought, as long as we buy lots of veggies and keep the fridge/pantry stocked with some versatile flavor enhancers. Last night we threw together a yummy dish of couscous with chickpeas and roasted vegetables. For tonight we're having very low maintenance tofu with veggies and rice.

Don't get me wrong - I enjoy meat. But it's a hassle to use it in a timely manner and also to cook it just right. I'd much rather let someone else do that for me.

For example, last weekend Dave and I ate at the Wild Grape Bistro and OMG was my tenderloin delicious. I definitely recommend it (the restaurant, as well as the tenderloin).

P.S. In other news, 3 of our raspberry starts have survived, and the harvest has yielded at least 10 delicious berries so far. Looking forward to next year!

A Thousand Splendid Suns

2011-06-26T10:10:00.000-10:00

I started reading "A Thousand Splendid Suns" last week during my travels and finished it yesterday afternoon. I wept, so moved by the choices made by a particular character. It's the kind of book that can change your life - I definitely recommend it!

Honestly, as I finished reading I felt similar to how I felt when I first saw the movie, "To Live" a decade or so ago. That film also made me want to do...something. I decided at least I could learn Chinese. Which led me to take a Chinese class and, eventually, move to Taiwan. I didn't end up doing any great service for the Chinese people, but I learned more about them, and I fell in love. I like to think my heart softened and my perspective broadened.

I don't know that I'll learn Farsi or Pashto, and I don't know how much of a difference I can make in parts of the world where I am just a foreigner with foreign ideas, lacking in cultural sensitivity. But this book led me to wonder what I can do to further the cause of women and children. I hope that my eventual degree will open doors for me such that I can really make a difference somewhere, somehow.

In some parts of the world we have come so far, but in many other parts of the world the mental, emotional, and physical oppression is incomprehensibly ghastly. I resent those philosophies, both ancient and modern, that have limited opportunities and led women to question their capacity and worth.

I don't want to end up seeking after a comfortable life for myself. I want to broaden my understanding and cultivate empathy and compassion. I want to live meaningfully. I want to love and support and protect.

Oh, Canada!

2011-06-18T05:23:00.000-10:00

One of the best things about doing research is the opportunity to participate in conferences. This week I had the opportunity to attend a conference in Ottawa, Canada. I loved it.

I can't get over the atmosphere of academia. It is intoxicating. The desire for knowledge, the passion, the precision, the thoughtfulness, the endless questioning of self and others. Love, love, love it.

I also love the opportunity to make connections and friendships with others from around the world. The world is too enormous for me to comprehend, but my mind and heart expand through connecting with each new individual.

On the first day I was there, I got to present a poster with some of the research our group has been working on. There were only about 30 posters, and many of the poster presenters were graduate students like me. By the time the poster session had ended, a group of 8 or so of us had met, mingled, and made plans to go out for dinner and drinks. Among our group were individuals from the US, Canada, Germany, South Africa, and Nigeria.

The next night we added a few more to our group (more representation from Germany, as well as Brazil) and hit the town again. We watched the final game of the Stanley Cup (somehow ending up at a Bruins-supporting bar, though we were in Canada!), chatted about lives, careers, relationships. We ate, drank, danced, laughed.

Overall, the conference was both mentally and socially invigorating. I came away feeling even more convinced that what makes life rich and exciting to me is the pursuit of knowledge and the potential for human connection.

Unity

2011-06-12T06:46:00.002-10:00

When I was a missionary for the LDS Church, I became almost obsessed with the idea of "unity." I was taught by my leaders that unity was the ideal. But what did unity mean? What did it look like? How was it achieved? I imagined that true unity must be achieved by some sort of synergestic compromising. A process requiring effort but involving good feelings all around and resulting in win-win outcomes.

As my mission progressed, I became increasingly disheartened by my efforts to attain unity. In those companionships that felt the happiest and most unified, I realized that I was the dominant player. In those companionships that felt more challenging, I was more likely to be "choosing my battles." The ever-looming danger of contention troubled me.

So, through these experience and through study, I came to believe that - for unity's sake - submission must be less-selfish and prideful and thus, more important than assertion. I told myself I must learn to care less about being right and more about being unified. Meanwhile, I was becoming more and more depressed.

Maintaining "submissiveness" as an ideal is extremely harmful to one's sense of individual worth. Taken to an extreme, a person who seeks after submissiveness misattributes selfish motives to all those sacred thoughts, ideas, and interests that make the person unique.

Yesterday I had a great reunion with some old friends. The issue of "fighting" with boyfriend/companion/spouse came up. I mentioned how when I was younger, I dreamed of a relationship in which my partner and I would usually see eye to eye and would rarely, and then only quietly, disagree.

Imagine my surprise when I found myself falling in love with a man from a VERY different background from mine and who possessed a very different outlook on life.

Now let me just state that - in spite of our differences - it was clear that we had very similar interests, values, standards, and life goals. But, when we first started dating, I sometimes wondered if our different backgrounds, perspectives and communication styles would be too great of a challenge to overcome.

Today, I see those differences as one of our greatest assets. We disagree about this or that pretty much on a daily basis. But I am no longer afraid of or threatened by the idea of contention. It is those disagreements (which are not cruel or personal, but rather differences of opinion) that push us to communicate. It is not always pleasant, and its not always calm. Sometimes, there are hurt feelings. Sometimes, we come away from our discussions without budging an inch. But often, we are able to broaden our perspective or even change our minds. And through it all, we find ourselves understanding and loving one another that much more.

Our goal as a couple is not unity of thought or even of approach - and that, I think, is key. In addition to all of the things that make us love each other, we are united in our respect for the checks and balances the other provides.

Early on, Dave worked very hard to convince me that my opinion was valuable to him because it was different. I can't think of a better gift than a companion who allows me to have my own voice and who thinks it is worth hearing.

Mashed Potatoes: Meet the 21st Century

2011-06-08T04:02:00.001-10:00

I needed to have a cavity filled yesterday. Dave, the eternal sweetheart, also had to have a cavity filled and scheduled his filling for the same day so that we could be in discomfort together.

Last night we both felt like eating soft food for dinner and we'd already had our fill of ice cream (hehehe). So this is the meal we came up with:

1) baked refried beans with cheese
2) mashed potatoes whipped with pureed steamed veggies
3) tomato soup

Lol. But don't get distracted by the homogenous textures!

This is the second time I've steamed and chopped veggies to mix into my mashed potatoes (not including all the times I've made colcannon), and I'm telling you, it is BRILLIANT. This time we steamed an entire bag of california blend vegetables, minced them in the food processor, and fluffed them into the mashed red potatoes (with skins). It looked gorgeous - think rainbow chip frosting gorgeous.

Then, adding tomato soup on top as a gravy? EVEN MORE BRILLIANT!

I highly recommend this for those who like mashed potatoes and vegetables. Yum!

An un-unfortunate series of events

2011-06-06T10:24:00.001-10:00

[Post title inspired by the book series, only the first of which I actually read - but also really really liked. I should read the rest of the series.]

This morning I caught the 209 bus at 10:03. I read The Chosen until I reached my transfer at 9th South. I walked to the next stop, but could not see the bus coming (it's usually visible down the road). I checked my watch (er, cell phone) - and realized my last bus must have arrived late. My transfer bus must have already passed and another would not be coming for half an hour.

I had a few choices:

a) walk to the nearest Trax station (at least .5 mile) in my flip flops
b) wait for the next 9 bus (.5 hour)
c) wait for the next 209 bus (.25 hour) and then catch the next Trax after that
d) impulsively board the just-arriving 9 bus going the opposite direction of where I needed to go.

And, in typical Sarah fashion, I chose the least obvious answer (d). For the next 45 minutes, it became increasingly clear that I had not picked the timeliest option.

I rode the 9 which moved further and further away from the direction of the university.

I got off at the 21st south Trax station and waited.

I caught the first Trax train to pass by, realizing only after boarding that it was not headed to the university.

I got off the train in downtown SLC and walked a few blocks to the nearest station where I could catch a train to the university.

By this point, I was mentally berating myself and physically shaking my head at my ridiculousness. When suddenly, I looked up and saw my friend Jerry! Jerry is from China and just finished his MBA at the U. We met when he first arrived and would practice our English/Chinese together. He is a total sweetheart and is also very wise.

I have been meaning to get together with Jerry for the last six months. I don't think we've seen eachother since August. And in an instant, my day brightened.

We spent the next twenty minutes catching up as we waited for the Trax, rode it to campus, and walked to our respective buildings. It was great to see him.

And I finally arrived to work, 1 hour and 1 unexpected surprise later.

Summer Time

2011-06-05T16:56:00.001-10:00

According to my weather app it got above 85 degrees in SLC today! Woot woot! I was a very pleased girl. Perfect weather for a tennis match (okay, so a shady 75 might have been better) and a barbeque dinner.

It was actually our second bbq of the weekend. Earlier this week I suggested to Dave that we both come up with 3 dinner ideas for the week. Turns out barbeque made it to both of our lists. So Friday we had grilled tilapia and tonight we had hot dogs (Yes, the hot dogs were MY choice - sometimes I can't help myself!).

Now that dinner is over the coals are still hot and I'm wondering why in the world we don't have MARSHMALLOWS and GRAHAM CRACKERS on hand for s'mores?!?

Well, we do have chocolate at least. Guess that'll have to do...

Dave the Tool Man

2011-06-02T04:11:00.000-10:00

Dave tells me that physicists are good at problem-solving, so maybe I shouldn't be surprised at his skills. But I'm still pleased.

In the time I've known him, he's done all sorts of handy things. Built a garden box, resealed a toilet, installed insulation, grounded outlets, patched the roof, fixed a hole in the wall, etc. Even better, he knows how to be safe while working. Yesterday he repaired a light that hasn't worked since he bought the house. Currently he is in the process of rewiring the electricity going to other parts of the house. Last night we used fish tape, string, and a wire hanger to thread a new wire from the basement upstairs to the kitchen. The wire hanger was my contribution.

Okay so obviously I'm pretty proud. :)

Warning: Sad Story to Swallow

2011-06-01T12:13:00.001-10:00

Laughter is not all fun and games, my friends.

Friday night I found myself in the company of several amusing individuals. Once, as I began to turn my head, I was caught off guard by an unexpected joke. I began to laugh...

And suddenly I felt a jerk from my throat to my ear. And when next I swallowed, it hurt! As if I had pulled a throat muscle! WHO DOES THAT?!

It is Wednesday and my throat continues to hurt as badly as it did on Friday night. I've tried ibuprofin and lozenges - to no avail! Yesterday I had a dentist appointment and I mentioned the situation to Dr. Chamberlain.

"Where does it hurt?" he asked.

"In the back left of my throat," I responded.

"Ah yes," he said. "There is a nerve there. And a bony protruberance. It can get caught on there sometimes."

REALLY?!?

I have no idea what the chance of irritating your vagus nerve on some random bony protuberance is. But I will try to be cautious from now on to laugh only with my eyes straight ahead...

Empathy for the enemy

2011-05-30T13:33:00.000-10:00

On this Memorial Day, I will honor those who gave their lives - but I will also lament the existence of war.

I understand that the kind of life I live came at the cost of countless lives; it would be ungrateful for me not to acknowledge their sacrifices. But I am not convinced those sacrifices have always, in the entire course of time, been "necessary."

War robs nations of much more than those individuals killed in battle. War is based on obtaining power by force. It reinforces and perpetuates ethnocentrism, hate, violence, bigotry. Soldiers who survive carry home with them sorrows that the eye can't see - as well as physical and/or emotional scars that affect the quality of their personal and family lives.

Unfortunately, I don't know how the efforts of men like Hitler can be thwarted without war. Still, although we may not be able to oppose all war, I personally believe we could use more empathy. I think we could balance our urge to glorify just causes with a little more understanding of the costs.

For example, I love the series Band of Brothers. It is moving and humbling to watch. But to me, it still fails to emphasize the "grayness" of war.

More recently, Dave and I watched Letters from Iwo Jima. This is the kind of message I think we need more of. It portrays the lives of Japanese soldiers fighting to defend the island of Iwo Jima in World War II. It is also incredibly moving and humbling. In this depiction, some soldiers are more or less committed to their cause. But all are desirous of living according to their preferred way of life, with their families.

We need more understanding of the humanity of our so-called enemies. It is not enough to feel pity. We need more respect and compassion for the way others choose to live. I think that on a personal level they are much more like us than we realize.

Aha!

2011-05-27T05:24:00.001-10:00

I reached my 40 hour limit on Pandora early this month. So for a few days I listened to my iTunes music. But I really wanted some Ambient Music to work with. And then I discovered THIS:

Um, hello, iTunes Radio? Where have I been? Actually I'm pretty sure that last time I tried out this option it had that sketchy online streaming sound. I am pleased to amount that iTunes now provides free, high quality, streaming music. So far, I have not heard a single ad - and the variety is much better than that offered by Pandora.

Sorry, Pandora, but I think I'm moving on. It was great while it lasted.

Edit: On the other hand, I've found that Pandora is still better when I'm in the mood for specific artists. But if I just want to listen to some background genre music (especially for hours at a time), iTunes will do just fine. Because yes, I AM too cheap to pay $1/month to extend my Pandora listening time. :)

Millcreek Canyon

2011-05-22T14:51:00.003-10:00

We watched 127 hours yesterday. I averted my eyes for about 3 minutes while Dave narrated for me (I do not like the sight of blood). I made Dave promise he will not go hiking alone. Since we've both hiked alone in the past, I am not completely sure either of us can keep that promise.

But still, we had a lovely hike together this afternoon in Millcreek Canyon. The spring greens were beautiful, even if my phone camera couldn't quite capture it.

Cute guy, huh?

Thoughts on a Rainy Day

2011-05-19T19:31:00.001-10:00

I don't write in my journal anymore. It's probably been about a year; in fact, I'm not sure where my journal is. I haven't blogged much during the past year+ either. Mostly that's because I don't know what to write about. And that, in turn, is partly because I haven't known who to write for.

Tonight, I feel the need to write again. For myself.

I've been more aware of mortality in the past year. Dealing with fear of [premature] death (for myself and those I love) has probably been my greatest challenge. This is certainly due in part to my loss of belief in a life after death. I think it is also due to how heavenly my everyday life feels. To live with my dearest love after so much time feeling [and expecting to continue to feel] alone; to be pursuing an education and career I once considered a frivolous fantasy; to feel healthy and worthy and strong and empowered to make of my life what I want; to live in this glorious world rich with interest and diversity; it's hard to express the joy I feel and even harder to believe it will continue each day. But so far, it does! And meanwhile, I try to find meaningful ways to cope with my anxieties.

On a semi-related tangent, just a few recent experiences on my mind:

Dave's parents spent the past week visiting us and we had such a wonderful visit. Somehow Dave and I ended up feeling like the guests. The night before they left, Dave's dad played his guitar and sang. He played one of his songs, "Helluva Ride," in which he recounts precious memories of things not going as planned. I laughed (the lyrics are quite clever and the tune a perfect match), and I cried, feeling inspired by his and Zoe's joy in their life's journey -- including all the unexpected adventures. They are a great pair. It was the perfect end to a week of "soaking it in."

Yesterday evening I sat with my grandma as she ate her dinner. The two elderly residents sitting at her table were both Hispanic and spoke little English. Grandma seemed unusually lucid and cheerful, and in between chatting with her I enjoyed the opportunity to practice my Spanish with her neighbors. My grammar may have been sloppy, but I can't get over how thrilling it is to speak with people in their own tongue and understand. As I left, Grandma thanked me, calling me by name. It made my evening that she remembered my name.

Tonight Dave came home and asked me for help unloading his jacket and backpack from his car. Immediately I knew something was up. I walked outside to find a dozen raspberry shoots he'd picked up. I've been talking about getting a raspberry plant for our garden for months. They're already in the ground. What a guy.

Life is precious.

Domestic

2011-02-13T19:39:00.000-10:00

One thing Dave and I love to do together is cook. We both love to try new things.

For me that means "try new recipes."
For Dave that means "try new combinations of all the ingredients we have on hand."

With our powers combined...we eat pretty well!

Yesterday I picked up a basket of produce from the local Bountiful Baskets (a co-op). We were a little overwhelmed by the amount of fruit and vegetables received, especially because we already had about 6# of oranges, 3# of apples, and 4# of bananas (?!) on hand. We didn't anticipate receiving more oranges, apples, and bananas with our order - along with cantaloupe, strawberries, several lemons, carrots, mushrooms, spinach, lettuce, orange bell peppers, and broccoli!

But I'm proud of the progress we've made. As usual, we're eating lots of oranges, apples, and bananas.

We had a delicious vegetarian stir-fry last night. Broccoli, mushrooms, sweet bell pepper, onions, and carrots along with lentils, almonds, rice and a delicious lemony-buttery-parmesany sauce whipped up by Dave. O.M.G. So good.

And tonight we found a way to use half the lettuce (we're not salad people) by making some Asian Lettuce Wraps. We experimented by using soy crumbles instead of ground beef and - though I was skeptical when I noted that soy crumbles are fat-free - the recipe was flavor-full and delicious! (We're not vegetarians, we just like their food).

And for dessert, lemon cupcakes to use up more of the lemons as well as some sour cream on hand (I used this key lime cupcake recipe but substituted lemon juice for the key lime juice and prepared a light sour cream lemon glaze instead of cream cheese frosting). The cupcakes are actually quite rich and even reminiscent of cheesecake (due to the sour cream?). Mmmmm.

Tomorrow's task: begin using the spinach. Do I sense a crustless quiche on the horizon?

On Vulnerability and Worthiness

2010-12-23T09:44:00.002-10:00

Time for a New Dialogue

2010-10-06T06:05:00.002-10:00

Even though I left the LDS church over a year ago, many of my close friends are still active Mormons. My friends tend to be intelligent, open-minded, politically moderate, compassionate individuals...who are also informed by their individual spirituality and religious convictions.

Yesterday I spoke with one of these friends about Boyd K. Packer's talk and the ensuing controversy. We discussed the heartache each of us and many of our acquaintances (on both sides of the issue) had experienced over the weekend. As we talked, my main question was this - How can we all learn to live with, love, and reach out in understanding to one another, in spite of significant idealogical differences?

My friend expressed her view (and I agree) that different groups - like Mormons and Exmormons - often share many common values, but allow hot button issues to polarize and divide and prevent working together productively on shared goals. She reminded me of Jon Stewart's recent admonition that we all "take it down a notch."

We need a more constructive dialogue. I don't agree with the LDS viewpoint that any sexual relationship, other than that of 1 man and 1 woman legally married, is impure. I believe that to publish such a viewpoint is hurtful. But I also think - to be fair - I should acknowledge that LDS teachings emphasize individual worth, compassion, empathy, and tolerance. I think it's telling that I can talk with many of my Mormon friends about my atheist perspective and lifestyle choices and not feel judged, but rather, loved and accepted.

In another conversation I had with a loved one the other night, I began to suggest that there is a way to share your views such that others will feel loved or at least respected, and there is a way to share your views such that others will feel angered and alienated. As soon as the words left my mouth I realized I needed to take my own advice.

Let's stand up for what we believe without demonizing those who disagree with us. We will never all see things the same way - it's the blessing and curse of diversity. But through understanding and tolerance, I hope we can find a way to work together for the good of mankind.

10/7 edited for clarity

Shout-Outs

2010-06-27T10:27:00.005-10:00

3 shout-outs for this week:

Thanks to Ashley, who lovingly reminded me that approval is not the same as acceptance.

Thanks to Dave, who thinks my different perspective is valuable.

Thanks to Mom and Dad, who raised me to appreciate, respect, and be interested in all cultures in spite of beliefs I don't share.

I thought of Ashley, Dave, and my parents as I jogged around Sugarhouse Park yesterday. I listened to inspiring music, looked at the beautiful mountains and bright blue sky, breathed lots of glorious oxygen, and thought how great it is to be alive and how much I love being me.

Yay!

Self-Explanation and Think-Alouds

2010-06-19T06:50:00.002-10:00

A couple decades ago, some learning psychologists were using self-explanation to better understand how humans learn. Self-explanation is a process in which a learner explains aloud to him or herself concepts as he/she learns them. It involves answering questions like:

What does this mean?
What is it telling me?
Why is it important?
How does it relate to what I already know?
What questions does it raise in my mind?

The learning psychologists found that some people were better at self-explaining than others. And, interestingly, those who were better tended to learn more. So in later studies, they taught people how to self-explain. They found that it was a learnable skill, and that those individuals who learned how to self-explain actually ended up learning better - similar to those who were natural self-explainers.

As we were discussing self-explanation in a recent lab meeting, a lightbulb went off in my head. I felt vindicated for a lifetime of wanting to "talk things out." There's something about struggling to verbalize and make sense aloud of what's going on inside our heads...that works. That actually helps things to make sense.

Meanwhile, I've also been learning how to facilitate another kind of talking things out - called "thinking-aloud". It's a process that we are using in the research I'm involved in to understand how people interact with technological tools. Thinking-aloud involves answering questions like:

What are you thinking?
How do you feel about that?
What made you choose that?
What made you decide that?

It's been really valuable for me as a research assistant to be learning/practicing helping people think-aloud and self-explain. Not only do these methods provide a lot of "data" and insight into human learning and thinking processes, I find myself asking the same questions that I use to prompt participants in conversations with my close friends. I already feel like it is helping me learn more about the people I love.

Unfortunately, I think it also makes me sound a bit like a wanna-be psychoanalyst.

Oh wait. That IS something I wanna be. :p

Lazy Sunday

2010-06-13T15:48:00.003-10:00

Good day today. Dave and I hung out of course. We played Settlers twice. He won once; I won once. We went swimming, and kept pace with each other the whole time. I swam normally. He used only his arms with his legs floating behind him. Is that fair?

Next I'm going to study statistics. At least, that's what I've been telling myself for the past 2 hours... ;)

Memorial Day

2010-05-31T19:12:00.006-10:00

I have a new roommate! He stopped by to see the place yesterday and moved in today! He seems very cool. I've spent the past month rearranging and making space to share and worrying a bit... Dave was so sweet to help me ("help me" = do for me) with the finishing touches today (stabilizing a shelf, replacing blinds, adding a towel rack) before the new roommie arrived. Dave is my hero. Anyway, it's been a great year on my own, but I think it will be good for me to practice sharing a living space again.

Other highlights of the day included a great breakfast with the fam, helping Jen move into her cute new place (a bike-ride away from me!), learning how to drive stick-shift, and talking lots of smack while Dave and I chilled on his roof and he solidly beat me at Settlers of Catan. I knew he could do it...eventually...;)

Summer 2010

2010-05-25T09:57:00.003-10:00

I'm already in love with this summer. I'm enrolled in a single 6-week [statistics] class, which leaves plenty of time for research and long weekends and triathlon training. At least in theory. Woot!

I had an absolutely wonderful spring semester. Busy! But some superb learning. For example:

I learned that anthropology is absolutely fascinating
Although my masters coursework is in educational psychology, I enrolled in an anthropology elective course for fun: Family, Power, and Society. Initially, I thought perhaps it would lead to a career change. Ultimately, I decided it would make a better hobby for me than career. I think everyone should take a class in the evolution of human family life. What an intriguing world we live in! This introductory course blew my mind!!!!!

I learned that research is my passion
Um, YEAH. So my job as a research assistant is pretty much the best job E V E R. Right now I am helping run two different learning studies. Soon I'll be proposing another study of my own for my masters thesis. Yay! I always thought I wanted to be a professor because I like to teach. Currently, what seems ideal to me would actually be researching 75% of the time and teaching 25% of the time. Of course, I haven't had to worry about applying for grants yet...maybe that'll change my opinion someday.

I learned that I can make of my life what I want
Wow, for real...I feel so grateful to my counselor Kelli for continually helping me learn this lesson! I. Love. My. Life.

I learned that crazy good things happen, a lot
About a month ago I rode the bus home from school and walked to my apartment only to realize that my keys were missing. I figured I must have locked them in the lab. I called my fellow research assistants to see if either of them was still on campus at 4:30 on a Friday afternoon. Fortunately, one of them was! I walked back to the bus stop, caught the next bus back to campus, met my friend to get her key, and proceeded to the lab.

No keys.

I started to panic. Meanwhile, Dave was nice enough to join me in my search. We decided to retrace my steps from the lab to the bus stop. I thought maybe I'd left them on the bus? and kept calling UTA but the line was busy. Then, I noticed a bus stopped at the corner and looked inside -- it was the same driver as had driven my bus home over an hour earlier! The same bus! I waved for him to open his doors, explained that I'd ridden his bus home and wondered if anyone had found some keys? As he was telling me no, a girl yelled out from the back of the bus, "You lost your keys? We saw some off the sidewalk down the road!"

Ten minutes later, we found my keys...hidden in the grass just off the sidewalk. They must have fallen out of my pocket while I was running to catch the bus. Suffice it to say, over a month later, I'm still so grateful they're back in my possession!

So yeah, all in all, it was a great semester. And summer is starting out wonderfully!

Blogging: Update

2010-02-28T07:18:00.001-10:00

In early 2007, I joined the blogging world. I've spent the last three years publicly documenting my efforts to understand and define myself, my interests, my dreams, my desires. During the last year, the introspection intensified a bit...resulting ultimately in three on-going blogs!

It's been a great process, and I think...blogging has served its purpose for me. These days I often think to myself that life *feels* like a miracle:

I am happy.
I like myself.
I feel truly free to determine my own path.
I am cultivating authentic, meaningful relationships.

I am seeking - and FINDING - a tribe of my own.

I'm so grateful for those of you who've listened and cared and supported me in my journey. The community I found in the blogosphere helped me to dream of finding a comparable community in real life. My journey seems to be leading me increasingly offline these days...but it's quite possible I'll still kick around here every once in a while.

Meanwhile, thanks soooo much!

Love,
*simplysarah*

More fascinating thoughts

2010-02-18T11:13:00.000-10:00

Dan Ariely on our buggy moral code | Video on TED.com

I'm Getting Married in the Morning

2010-02-10T18:32:00.004-10:00

That's right, my Trobriand Island Avatar is growing up. I don't know who the lucky man is quite yet, or how we met...but hopefully by midnight I'll have a story written down ready to share in my [graduate level?!] class tomorrow at 9 am.

If I don't get distracted, that is, by the NOTHING that's going on on facebook.

In other news, life is pretty wonderful. Work is awesome! School is great (I'm particularly excited by my research ethics class, super interesting so far). Keeping busy, having fun, and looking forward to a new triathlon season coming up...

Meanwhile, if you have 18 minutes to spare, here's an interesting video! It also happens to reflect one of my metaphors for life. Love it!

Monday Morning for the Girl With Flexible Work Hours

2010-02-01T06:33:00.008-10:00

It's morning.

I roll out of bed and make my way to the bathroom.

Then, as I stumble back toward the bedroom I think, "Breakfast?....Too early?"

Slight hesitation, before I turn in my tracks and head back toward the kitchen. Soymilk is obvious. And mussaman tofu curry? But I'm out of rice...

I heat some curry in the red microwave and slap two slices of sourdough on a plate. I chop some cashews with a knife, telling myself I'll pick up the one that fell on the floor later.

Back in the bedroom, I check out the Live Feed on my Facebook homepage, chomping on my curry sandwich (eh, turns out sourdough is not as good a fit as rice) and swigging the sweet soymilk. OMG the soymilk is delicious. I'll need some more.

"Ha!" I notice the clock. "8:03! Look at me, ready to go at 8 without even an alarm clock! Plenty of time to do my anthropology reading/paper."

I keep browsing on Facebook. Next thing I know, it's ~~nearly 10~~ noon!

*sigh*

Feeling like...Myself.

2010-01-22T18:44:00.003-10:00

Yesterday I happened by the office of my graduate program director. We chatted for a few minutes and he said abruptly, "You look good! Much better than last summer. Happy! Less stressed. If I can say that!" or something along those lines.

I was really moved, and delighted that someone else would notice and celebrate with me the happiness I feel. I was already smiling from before, but as I walked away I felt again a surge of joy because I am happy! This is my life!

I've begun my new job (as a research assistant) and so far I am in heaven. Today, for example, I spent seven hours working on a demo for an educational software program and the time flew and I was enjoying myself so much that I didn't even care to eat. When does that happen to me!!!

Not that I expect it to happen again (I love my food), I'm just saying I so enjoyed what I was doing. ;)

My classes are fascinating, my work seems exciting, outside of school and work I'm finding there is so much incredible knowledge to be had, and to top it all off...my life is filled with wonderful people.

I almost can't believe this is real. :)

Robert Sapolsky: The uniqueness of humans | Video on TED.com

2010-01-19T11:09:00.000-10:00

Robert Sapolsky: The uniqueness of humans Video on TED.com

Half an hour-long, but wonderful stuff. Interesting, insightful, inspiring. Oh, and witty.

My Kind of Awkward

2010-01-18T22:59:00.008-10:00

So my first anthropology class assignment sounded simple enough: assume the identity of a typical Trobriand Island teenager and write a paragraph about the day's activities.

Of course, the reading material assigned in preparation for the assignment dealt almost exclusively with the sexual promiscuity of the Trobriand teens. One of the texts, after all, is entitled "The Sexual Life of Savages."

I feel slightly embarrassed by the paragraph I've written...it sounds like I'm a junior high student trying to write something slightly erotic. You know, something along the lines of, "After I ate breakfast I decorated my armbands with flowers and sent messages to my lover."

*Barf*

Really, I'm trying to write something as minimally sexual-sounding as possible...but given the assigned reading material...I'm at a loss!

I really, really hope we don't have to read our paragraphs aloud in class tomorrow...

*Update: We did have to read the paragraphs! At least mine wasn't the MOST embarrassing...

Spoiled

2010-01-15T10:27:00.002-10:00

I've made it through the first week of the new semester, and I'm feeling psyched!

I love my classes so far. True, I slept through three of my four non-credit PE classes (hehehe - I'm blaming jet lag!)...but Human Computer Interaction seems like it will be interesting and Family, Power & Society is also fascinating. Plus, my anthropology professor talks JUST LIKE President Obama. Or at least like the impersonator on SNL. Love it.

So I ended up dropping Portuguese :( mostly because I doubted my ability to pick it up starting with the second semester class... Perhaps I'll try again in the fall, when the first semester introductory course is offered.

Mostly, I'm ecstatic because I have a job! Doing research, which was just what I wanted! I will be starting up next week. Also, no Friday classes...so unless I work on Fridays, I'll have three day weekends this semester! Woot.

Yeah, I'm feeling spoiled.

Travelogue

2010-01-08T08:13:00.005-10:00

Chapter 1
I sat next to Praveen on the flight to San Francisco. He showed me pictures on his computer. He read my palm and told me it says I'll be getting married late and I won't have very much money.

"You are very wise," I said.
"What is your phone number?" he said.

Chapter 2
Carine and I used body language and baby Chinese to order lunch. Carine asked for chicken fried rice (ji rou chao fan), but the woman asked if pork would be okay? We both nodded yes. What about clams? Carine nodded yes, I shook my head no. What about eggs? We were a little confused; aren't there always eggs in fried rice? But we nodded our assent.

A few minutes later, the woman brought us our pork fried rice, as well as egg drop soup (for me) and ginger-clam soup for Carine. OHHHHHH. So she was asking if we wanted eggs and clams in soup, not in our rice!

The ginger soup was delicious, btw!

Chapter 3
We walked down our old street. A flood of memories...

My heart ached, and I told Carine it made me want to move back. But as the days went by, I realized that what I miss is not so much Taiwan itself. I love Taiwan; but what I love more than the place is that time of my life, those friends, the lessons I learned. It's something that can't be recaptured. Just treasured inside, I guess!

Chapter 4
We spent a couple glorious days in Kenting, a beach town where we used to go camping about once a month. The scenic drive is still breath-taking, and the chocolate toast as tasty as I remembered.

Chapter 5
Taiwanese shaved ice is amazing. Carine and I discovered a new favorite bing shop, where we ate three times. Ice fine as snow, plenty of fresh fruit (cantaloupe, guava, strawberries, watermelon), topped with sweetened condensed milk and kiwi sauce and tons of chewy tapioca balls. OMG.

Chapter 6
We spent a few days with Gary and Nick. Just like old times. Including hot pot and KTV!!! These guys are our Taiwanese brothers. They are hilarious. Gary told me that 5 years ago I explained to him the meaning of well-endowed as a synonym for "rich," complete with an example sentence about a young "rich" man. Apparantly I used the word "ka-ching" in the sentence.

I'm not sure if I believe the story.

Chapter 7

Carine and I had visited almost all of our favorite places, except for Maolin. We had heard that it was hard hit with the recent landslides, but we decided last-minute to drive out there anyway. 2.5 hours and a bum-numbing scooter ride later, we basically came to a dead-end. A highway washed away, an altered riverscape.

We turned around and drove the 2.5 hours back to Fengshan. We'll try again in another few years.

Chapter 8
Carine left, and I was sad. We understand a part of eachother's lives that no one else understands quite as well. Why is South Africa so far away??????????

Chapter 9
Several of our friends have moved to Taipei, so I spent my last 24 hours up north, reconnecting. I became a fan of the mass rapid transit in Taipei. I also took another picture of myself in front of the world's 2nd (?) tallest building. Or 3rd?

Here's me in 2004, and again in 2010.

Chapter 10
On the plane ride home, my neighbor was quite friendly and chatty and as we took off I knew he was distracting me from tears and sorrow. Plenty of time for that later. We shared a guava (I bought a couple to eat on the flight), and the flight attendant (who spoke perfect English) indulged me by asking what meals I wanted in Chinese.

As I left the plane in Los Angeles, she said she hoped I would be back to Taiwan again soon.

Me too. :)

Colors of Taiwan

2010-01-08T07:56:00.005-10:00

My Taiwanese Family

2010-01-08T07:25:00.005-10:00

At one point in my trip, I thought to myself...we visit old friends to try to fill the holes that were left when we parted. It's such a wonderful feeling to reconnect and renew those feelings of love and affection! Plus I had the added bonus of making new friends too.

Unfortunately, then we part again and feel anew the ache of separation! I miss my friends already, but feel so grateful for our time together.

Me, Nick, Gary, and Carine. Nick and Gary are two of our closest friends from way back when.
The Lee family, friends from my old ward. I spent 4 to 5 mornings a week with Brother and Sister Lee studying English (for them) and Chinese (for me), and eating Sister Lee's delicious Danbin (Chinese breakfast burritos).
Gilbert, me, Sabrina and her husband and baby. Gilbert and Sabrina were two of my co-workers and close friends.
This is me and "Dajie" (Big Sister), the lunch lady at the kindergarten I worked at. I would eat lunch with her at least a few days a week and tell her pathetic stories about my love life in my baby Chinese.

Me and Rey. Rey was my supervisor, but we actually became quite close when she met with the missionaries in my apartment a few times back in the day.

Food Glorious Food

2010-01-08T04:56:00.005-10:00

So maybe I gained a few pounds during the last couple weeks in Taiwan. It was totally worth it!!!

I ate a dozen guavas, a few ginormous persimmons, some pineapple, lots of dumplings, half a dozen bowls of shaved ice, several of my favorite custard-filled pancake things, plenty of soy milk, some fresh mochi, beef noodles, Taiwanese bread, all my favorite breakfast foods, hot pot and Taiwanese bbq, a couple "England potatoes," etc etc. Also some tasty Vietnamese food.

The only thing missing was our beloved 50 Pizza (a mainstay during my year in Taiwan). Or "50 Biscuit" as my friend calls it. The chain is no longer in business, *sigh*. Guess I'll have to add corn to pizza by myself in the future.

OMG the food in Taiwan is so amazing. I miss it already! Off to the Chinese grocery store....

Family Love

2009-12-24T12:47:00.004-10:00

I've added my first family picture to my wall. It's an extended version of the one above - with all 23 family members! Hooray for family.

2009 in Review

2009-12-22T14:03:00.005-10:00

Chapter 29
In which Sarah feels lost, then finds herself.

As I look back over the year, I am filled with gratitude for loved ones that have rallied around me through some trying times in 2009. So many of you have reached out in understanding and love and I’m truly humbled to be surrounded by such tolerant, empathic and caring individuals!

I've rediscovered how awesome my family is, particularly through precious chats, phone calls, long walks, and even a road trip. I've been buoyed up by time spent with good friends. I've furthered my studies and pursued hobbies new and old. I've eaten lots of pupusas and delicious Indian food. I think I've even caught a glimpse of the career path of my dreams (time will tell)!

After a decade of nomadic transience, I feel at home.

Most importantly: what began as a waning of faith has transformed into a renewed love and hope for humanity. I believe more than ever in the innate goodness of mankind, and with each passing day and each new interaction [eg. with all of you!] the supporting evidence grows. Sure mankind still has a long way to go but...life is amazing.

I love you all! Let's have a great 2010!

P.S. Come visit! I have Rockband!

O Tannenbaum

2009-12-19T14:16:00.003-10:00

Someone's feeling festive...

Ooooooo.

Fudge! That explains it!

After the climax

2009-12-18T20:29:00.011-10:00

Walk in my front door and the first thing you will see is a metaphor. There, hanging on my front wall are frames for 22 pictures. 11 of them are filled, 11 of them are empty (and they've been empty for going on six months!). Of the 11 pictures displayed, 10 were taken during a 12-month period of my life (July 2003-July 2004): Taiwan.

My sister will graciously be helping me fill the rest of the frames in the next short while. Hooray! I'll even be taking down a few of my Taiwan pics to make room for the new pictures: of my awesome family, childhood, etc. When I start the new year, my wall metaphor will be altered. Enriched.

But meanwhile, I've been reflecting on what story the frames currently tell.

It has been my center. I would not be who I am today without my experiences in Taiwan. There are certain individuals...certain observations...certain feelings...from that time and place that affected me and still affect me, profoundly. Even thinking of the guavas I used to eat - those giant crisp green things with seeds like stones! I learned how to chew around and swallow those seeds! - yes, even the memory of guavas makes me feel something beautiful, deep inside.

I knew I was forever changed when I left. And half a decade later, I'm beginning to understand why. Taiwan was the catalyst that made possible a 6 year-long crystallization, resulting in the Climax of 2009.

What was your catalyst?

When I went there for the first time, I was confused and scared and grasping at straws to push fears about the future out of my head. Thanks in part to that decision, next week I can return...this time with confidence, and hope for the future, and enjoying a very sweet peace of mind. Plus, now I know how to use chopsticks! ;)

Xie xie, isla formosa.

Senator Fulbright's thoughts on foreign policy (1966)

2009-12-15T13:59:00.001-10:00

This link provides a good ten minutes of reading, but it's interesting stuff!!!

Can't sleep

2009-12-14T19:37:00.003-10:00

It's as if I'm lying in bed waiting for Santa to come...but actually, what I'm thinking of is this:
I leave for Taiwan in ten days!!!

Gifts

2009-12-10T08:39:00.001-10:00

When I was in 5th grade, I had a soldier pen pal named John. He was serving in the Gulf War. I wanted to send him something special for Christmas. I bought a King Size Hersheys chocolate bar, found an envelope to fit it, and sent it off to the Middle East. I never heard from John again. I've always wondered if he received my gift.

Nearly two decades later....I wish I could still give candy bars as gifts. Gift-giving overwhelms me. First of all, it's nearly impossible to know what the recipients truly desire. Even if I ask - are they going to tell me what they really, really want? I doubt it. Instead, they're going to be modest. Perhaps they'll evaluate my price range and suggest something even less-expensive that might be useful, or pleasant.

Second of all, gifts never seem like "enough." No matter how the recipients feel...as a giver, I never feel quite satisfied. My gifts have a finite economic value (whether the cost of goods and/or of the time invested in producing them) that in no way equates my true level of esteem.

Meanwhile, I'm a bit uncomfortable with receiving gifts. For the same reasons. Although I always appreciate and am often delighted by what others give me, I've learned that the gifts still aren't what I'd like most. Which is chocolate. J/k. What I really prefer is for them just to spend time with me!!!

I have a dream for my future family. When the holidays roll around, we'll enjoy the history and richness of cultural traditions. We'll sing and play and eat way too many goodies. We'll share goodies with our friends. We'll attend white elephant parties. We'll hang our stockings for Santa. But when it comes to reciprocal gift-giving, we'll do something like all write poems or stories for eachother, or paint pictures, or make funny youtube videos, or create a new candy, or give massages.

And then with the money we've saved, we'll go out somewhere really cool to eat, or go on a weekend trip.

Like, to visit the cousins and play with their new toys.

Hehehe. My kids are gonna hate me! ;)

Two Thoughts

2009-12-07T20:03:00.003-10:00

Today, I realized a couple things.

1. I would accomplish nothing without deadlines. I tried all last week to work on my final project. I just couldn't! Meanwhile, I didn't enjoy my leisure time at all...because the whole time I just kept thinking "I should be working on my project." Oh, it was horrible.

Thank goodness I had something of a deadline today (I had to present my project in class)! Within three hours, I completed 65% of my project. Seriously. It took me a week to work up to that???

Oh sigh. Suffice it to say I'm incredibly grateful for the final deadline of Wednesday night that will enable me to finally write two papers tomorrow.

2. I am a fair weather environmentalist. Of course, my environmentalism was rather fledgling to begin with, but it's been reduced practically to nil in favor of staying warm. The bikes have been in the shed since the temperature dropped below 70, and occasionally...I turn my heater up to 90. I do. I'm sorry. Turns out the base of Maslow's hierarchy, for me, is "WARM TOES."

I'm not proud of this. I plan to repent in the spring.

The Real Reason I Want to Learn Portuguese

2009-12-05T06:20:00.001-10:00

Oh *sigh* to sing like that!

Yum

2009-11-27T08:09:00.003-10:00

One word comes to mind as I look at this picture:

BOO-YAH!

Hurrying home

2009-11-23T11:56:00.000-10:00

Hurrying home

So we totally saw a 2 headed woman. Also

2009-11-22T13:22:00.000-10:00

So we totally saw a 2 headed woman. Also smokin hot

Smokin' hot!

2009-11-22T12:43:00.000-10:00

Smokin' hot!

Kisses from oregon

2009-11-22T12:42:00.000-10:00

Kisses from oregon

Getting smarter by the mile, baby!

2009-11-22T12:33:00.000-10:00

Getting smarter by the mile, baby!

Road trip!

2009-11-20T13:10:00.000-10:00

Road trip!

Just like old times

2009-11-20T12:55:00.000-10:00

Just like old times

Step 1

2009-11-19T17:54:00.007-10:00

Today I stopped by the anthropology department and the secretary lent me a textbook to start my investigation. There is a gorgeous elderly filipino woman in a feathered hat on the cover (similar to the pic above). I am in love with her. I started reading the first chapter and totally got emotional as I read about concepts like the evolution of human behavior, and diversity bred of flexibility and adaptation.

Ah human diversity, my love! Seriously, it brought tears to my eyes and I got all reflective and nostalgic. How did it take me a decade to discover this field? Oh yeah, because - like many others - I thought anthropology was just studying fossils and nonindustrial cultures (the text points out this common misconception). Not that I don't like fossils and nonindustrial cultures.

Tonight I registered for next semester's classes:

Human-Computer Interaction (one of the last 4 courses of my masters program)
Family, Power, and Society (my first anthro class)
Beginning Portuguese*

What an exciting schedule. I'm sooooooooooooo excited!!

Now all I need to do is find a part-time job...and a research opportunity? Dude, I am totally gonna do this. I'm going to fulfill my dream and spend my life loving and discovering humanity and promoting understanding. *sigh*

And, because I'm in a good mood, here's a nice song to share:

*The portuguese is just for fun. I'm hopeful it will work out, but I noticed I was only the second person to sign up for the class...which means it may end up cancelled. :(

New Love? Old Love.

2009-11-18T07:14:00.009-10:00

Since my last day of work (a week and a half ago), I've been enjoying a much-desired "vacation from my problems." Pajamas, movie marathons, lunch dates. But yesterday when I learned I didn't get a job I'd interviewed for last week (one that I was somewhat hoping for), I was reminded that the future - in which I enjoy satisfaction AND the means to support myself - requires me to get moving and figure out what it is I want to do.

So I started with what I know I like. You know, good old language and culture. And I spent a few hours thinking, and browsing, and researching. And then, my pulse started to race.

Cultural anthropology! Duh!!!

Anthropology was a subject my brother-in-law suggested to me recently. I thought, "Sure, why not" but I didn't really look into it. Until yesterday. And as I read more about the field it was like love at first sight. Here is a list of some subjects of interest to cultural anthropologists:

law and conflict resolution
technology
gender relations
ethnicity
religion
values
etiquette
worldview
food
language

Um, YEAH!!! I want to learn more about all of that! So that I can have more material to spin my ludicrous theories and talk people's ears off. Sign. me. up.

I find it amusing that my true passion was evident even in my write-up of career goals when I applied for the IDET program a year and a half ago:

"Throughout my life I have been fascinated by human diversity. I have resided in Southern California, Northern California, Pennsylvania, Utah, Montana, Hawaii, Puerto Rico, and Taiwan. I have studied Spanish, German, and Chinese. Through employment and volunteer service, I have had opportunities to teach students young and old and of many socioeconomic backgrounds. All these experiences and exposures have allowed me greater understanding of the role of language and cultural paradigms in filtering information...I would like to research and promote the more effective teaching of heterogenous student populations."

And did I mention, that I love sushi and Indian food and foreign films? I am like, sooooo culturally aware.

Ok I'm an ignorant pretentious snob, I know. ;) But anyway, I think it's funny how we can know ourselves, and yet struggle so to know how to realize our dreams. I'm grateful how moments of disappointment (I didn't get the job, and I'd better figure out what I want before I run out of money dangit) can provide the impetus for moments of discovery and thrill and satisfying re-direction. Certainly my future is still a big murky unknown*, but I think this field of study seems an alluring path.

*I don't know exactly how to go about incorporating anthropology into my current studies, but I'm working on contacting the U's anthro dept and...I'll figure something out.

Fostering Apostasy Awareness

2009-11-12T05:21:00.004-10:00

[Note: I wrote this for another blog, but then thought I might share it here as well. I know some of you have wondered about my new belief system, and within this post you will find some indication. I'm not sure whether this post will be more educational or upsetting? :) I'm both scared and hopeful and interested in hearing your responses.]

After a brief first bout of inactivity early this year, I tried reactivating myself. The short-lived effort (during April-May) was unbearable enough to convince me that reactivation was neither desireable nor worth it. By the end of July, I felt quite comfortable with the idea that I might never return to the LDS Church.

Meanwhile, thanks to therapy, I was beginning to come out of a period of severe depression and social withdrawal. I was spending more time with friends and family, and enjoying the time. I was able to be open enough with my loved ones to share that I'd become voluntarily inactive, and when they took it well, I was ecstatic. But. I felt the simultaneous need to edit myself while around them, and so I continued to feel a bit stifled. A lot stifled.

By the end of August I felt starved for associations with whom I could be completely open. I finally permitted myself to visit a site for ex-mormons (postmormon.org). It was very exciting and, surpisingly, uplifting. For one weekend and throughout the next week I read all the exit stories I could get my hands on. I joined an online social-networking group for ex-mormons. I began to make new friends. Then I began to blog, and to read other blogs, and to actively dissect and define beliefs and to create a new worldview for myself.

Looking back, I consider my association with ex-mormons and new order mormons an essential step towards approaching mormonism in a more balanced, healthy way. It has been incredibly eye-opening and exciting. I've learned that there is a much wider variety of approaches to mormonism than I'd been led to believe (prior to leaving the church, my view of apostasy was incredibly one-dimensional).

I believe there are others who feel themselves trapped by double binds within mormonism, like I once was. I believe such persons would be hugely benefitted by awareness of the diversity of the ex-mormon and new order mormon worlds. If only they knew there was such a thing as respectful dissent...both for believer and nonbeliever alike!

I don't wish to recruit converts to my new self-described agnostic ex-mormon humanistic approach to life. But, I'd like to reach out to those members who feel stifled by fears of heresy. I'd like to help spread awareness about the diverse, multi-dimensional community of believers and non-believers outside of mainstream mormonism.

Hmmmmm....how to accomplish this....

On This Day in History

2009-11-10T04:42:00.007-10:00

Excerpts from all of the November 10 journal entries in my life:

1996 (age 15, living in North Salt Lake, UT): "Yesterday was the Young Women in Excellence program...The main speaker was Ardeth Kapp. She was a great speaker! I didn't really feel the spirit, but she gave me hope that I will."

1998 (age 17, living in San Juan, PR): "I've felt strongly about learning to cook and cooking next year at college. Yikes, that's a little scary to think about. I probably won't end up getting married until I'm like 30 now!"

2001 (age 20, living in Provo, UT): "While reading President Faust's conference talk, I realized how selfish I've been...I am too much motivated by desires for popularity and power. I struggle so much w/ overcoming the flesh and avoiding activities that appeal to my carnal side."

2003 (age 22, living in Fengshan, Taiwan): "I think I could apply for BYU's MS MFHD program starting next fall...Pro's: TRUTH, I love BYU, somewhat close to grandparents and other family, positive environment. Cons: Utah, Provo dating scene*, same University, pride :)"

2004 (age 23, living in Provo MTC): "My first day of my mission is over...Spiritual highlight could be hearing what led up to Elder Parras coming on his mission. He just said that he loves the Lord and that's why he's here. My heart was softened because my initial judgment had been that he probably wasn't the most spiritually mature. But what a beautiful answer!"

I read these entries, and feel I am very much the same person I ever was. I long for wisdom. I am proud. And, I am terrified of being alone. ;)

Of course the first three entries also mentioned frustrations about feeling fat. And if I'd included Nov 12 entries there were even more years of that kind of talk. Hehehe. That's one thing about my heart that's changed...a little. :)

Feeling Crappy is Valuable Too

2009-11-07T04:44:00.004-10:00

I had an epiphany the other day. (I know, another one!!)

So my therapist was asking me to describe a certain feeling, and I couldn't do it. I'd think, and I'd look at her (with my best puppydog eyes, of course), and I'd struggle for words. I wanted her to tell me the words to use. Which...of course... she wouldn't. So I failed. I couldn't describe how loneliness felt.

At the end of our session, she asked how I felt about how it had gone. Mostly, I said, I felt frustrated and helpless. Not angry at me? she asked. No.... And she assured me that I'd worked hard, and I began to cry (yes, again!). And she asked me how I felt when I cried, and I said that I felt relieved to think that maybe even if I wasted her time it was still valuable to her.

Which is when it hit me.

I want life to be like that. I want life to feel valuable, even in the moments that feel like a waste. I don't want the moments I spend with other people to only be of value when we feel perfect feelings or communicate effectively or comprehend one another. I don't want to feel frustrated or annoyed if my loved ones are upset, or unhappy. I want them to be allowed to be upset when they're around me. I want them to know that they - and all their feelings - are just as valuable to me, even if I can't (or won't?) make them feel better.

Is that possible? Am I making any sense? What do you think?

For my brother, I will weep

2009-11-06T13:55:00.005-10:00

Today I read more about Major Nidal Hasan, and my heart wept.

Inside every killer, I think there is a hungry heart. Hungry for what? For love? For validation? For agreement and uniformity and harmony? For God?

Oh that we might work for a world in which we can tolerate and even learn to love those with whom we disagree. And not feel threatened - or threatening - because of our differences and disputations.

Oh, the Irony!

2009-11-01T08:37:00.003-10:00

I hope you can appreciate the humor of this one.

By the time I was a senior in college, I knew I was not going to become a registered dietitian. I thought about choosing a new major, but I felt burned out and didn't want to prolong graduation. I thought psychology seemed an interesting possibility for graduate study, so I decided to join a discussion group and do a little voluntary research.

I quit my job (as a teaching assistant for the nutrition department) and spent some time my last semester at BYU studying spiritual psychotherapy. I loved, loved, loved it. I loved the weekly discussions. I enjoyed meeting with my friend and research-partner Jeremy to philosophize about the psychological underpinings of gospel life. I was thrilled by the exchange of ideas, and felt empowered to be a contributor.

Of course, by the time April had rolled around, I knew psychology was not for me. I enjoyed theoretical exploration far too much. I feared that by pursuing it I would become prideful and apostatize.

Hmmmmmm. That's ironic.

Jose Gonzalez - Heartbeats

2009-10-31T05:30:00.001-10:00

One of my newest favorites is jose gonzalez. Here's a good sample of his music, plus a cool video. Enjoy!

Man's Search for Happiness

2009-10-16T12:11:00.007-10:00

There was a time...when I thought I had an answer for everything and a smile for everyone. But my heart was dark and my spirit stifled and I felt lonely and afraid.

There was a measure of comfort in the esteem of others, in the justification for my disappointments, in the familiarity of my world, and in the promise that all would be made right. You know, someday.

This year, I've made a lot of important choices. The sum of these choices is a reflection of a new perception of my worth, of my purpose, and of the meaning of life.

As many of you know or have guessed, this year I left the faith of my upbringing. I am no longer a believer. I am proud of my Mormon heritage, and I love my LDS friends and family. It's still a big part of who I am. And I love and admire who you are. But in pursuit of my own personal integrity, I wanted to leave. I left.

And, yesterday, I resigned from my job. I'll be there a few more weeks. It has been a wonderful job, filled with incredible opportunities for learning and growth. I truly love my coworkers. But I began to realize, during the past several months, that I'd fallen yet again into the very familiar rut of "counting down." Of realizing that I still wasn't satisfied. Of living a day-dreamy half-life.

I used to think that I should be able to BE CONTENT in any situation. You know, if I were just humble enough, and grateful enough, and faithful enough...

But I am beginning to see patterns. I am beginning to know my own heart. In the end, what I want is not comfort! And it's not the esteem of others. That was a shocker... ;)

I no longer have an answer for everything, nor a smile for every one. But I am happy! The joy of existence is real, and exciting. I feel more free than ever to pursue what I want.

And what I want is...TO LIVE!...simplysarahstyle.

New Beginnings

2009-10-14T12:51:00.002-10:00

I have a secret.

I will tell it to you soon.

It involves charting a new path.

I think it is exciting.

And today, I thought about it when my coworker asked about the sparkle in my eye?

(Though, the sparkle just might have been due to the fact that I married the man of my dreams last night (in my sleep). I woke just as he was beginning to tell me that he loved me...i know, i'm way too easy to psychoanalyze!! ;)

Imagine - Eva Cassidy

2009-10-11T05:30:00.001-10:00

I think this version is absolutely beautiful.

Feelings

2009-10-08T14:58:00.007-10:00

Young Truman: I want to be an explorer, like the Great Magellan.
Teacher: [indicating a map of the world] Oh, you're too late! There's nothing left to explore!

Today we talked some more about feelings. Like - certain things that make me feel alive. And like - certain things that make me feel claustrophobic.

We talked about daydreams.

We talked about wanting permission.

We talked about turning points.

And, for the second time ever, she talked about herself! Offered me a glimpse of her feelings. Told me about her new beginning, and her choice to pursue a childhood dream. To become a doctor.

It's now twelve years later.

She told me the story. And I listened, and I wept.

"What are the tears for? How does it feel?" she asked.
"It feels like -- permission," I said, wiping my eyes. We laughed. And I felt happy.

Catching Up

2009-10-05T14:42:00.011-10:00

I just got home from a lovely visit back East. I had so much fun hanging out with Mollie! AND I was also so happy to get to visit with other old friends and family as well - Tristan, the Wilsons, the Carpenters, Kimi and Sheena! I spent most of the time in Massachusetts, but also hit a little bit of Maine, New Hampshire, Connecticut (on a bus ride), and New York. I was super psyched to visit sites like Lake Winnepisaukee (!!!), the Kancamagus Scenic Byway, some beautiful coastal towns, and Walden Pond. I loved the cemetaries and old buildings. And the public transportation.

Plus the good times eating out. I ate some delicious things...my mouth still waters when I think about that swordfish (YUM). Had some authentic NY pizza (better than Sbarros, even! :), black sesame seed ice cream, Afghani/Persian food, and a few to-die-for donuts (including a Boston Creme in Boston and a carrot-cake (with cream cheese frosting piped inside) in NYC.

All in all, it's not hard to understand why I feel a little bit depressed now that it's over....*sigh*.

(I figured out how to post pics directly from my phone, but here are a few more from my camera).

The Self-Portrait...attempt #67...

New HAMPSHIRE? "Makes my lips numb just thinking about it...."

*sigh* I love rocks by the ocean.

Where's Spidey?

Thin New York-style pizza with parmesan on top. Delish.

Cousins!

Walden Pond

2009-10-04T06:53:00.001-10:00

Cool cemetary view in nyc

2009-10-03T07:32:00.000-10:00

Cool cemetary view in nyc

Sunshine and big carrots in the Big Apple

2009-10-03T02:54:00.001-10:00

Pretty maine

2009-10-01T15:52:00.000-10:00

Pretty maine

FW: Pretty new hampshire:)

2009-10-01T15:48:00.000-10:00

More to come

Perty

2009-09-26T18:48:00.002-10:00

I could be a hippie, almost

2009-09-26T08:43:00.005-10:00

It was lunchtime, and I felt like eating something besides a microwaved meal (already had one for breakfast - it was delicious, but...). So I stopped at Whole Foods, only to find myself with the same dilemma I have when I eat out: too many choices fighting for my attention!

I started with some sliced pineapple and made my way to the deli. Quinoa salads! Couscous! Curry and tofu! Roasted tomatoes! DAH!

So, I asked the guy if I could just have a taste of each. He wouldn't even charge me (I made sure to get a bigger portion of the fettuccini with roasted tomatoes, to at least have something to purchase)!

I stopped by the refrigerator section to add a bag of vegan falafel (my fav), and the bakery for some caramel pecan brownies. Oh baby.

I'm checking out, and the cashier asks me my favorite question (If I want to donate to improving school lunches? Teehee). "Not today, thanks."

Then, as I'm leaving, she says - Here, and have a free ginger beer.

I just finished my meal of pineapple, samples (the curried tofu salad was to die for!), fettucini, falafel...I'm wondering whether I can manage a bite of one of those brownies...and I'm feeling the love for a world where people offer me quality food for free and share my passion for whole grains and veggies and beauty and...

World Peace. :)

Love at First Sound

2009-09-24T13:43:00.006-10:00

I remember the day I was introduced to Simon and Garfunkel: 7th grade music class. Scarborough Fair. Goosebumps. Brilliant.

Yes, they had me at "Parsley!" Which brings me to...

2. I love folk rock.

What about you? When did you discover [or not] that you like nerdy boys with sexy man voices? ;)

I'd Rather Dance With You

2009-09-20T15:32:00.001-10:00

Dedicated to Kelli (who first introduced me to the song), Pandora (who knows me like Big Brother), my Friday night dance partners, and those who helped make this such a lovely Sunday. Goooooooooooo Kings of Convenience.

The Joy of Dance

2009-09-19T06:19:00.005-10:00

Someone asked me who I am this week. It was difficult for me to answer. I did so by sharing some of my core beliefs. But my interrogator was not satisfied, did not feel that my answer was very specific about who I AM.

I thought a lot about the conversation. I had another conversation about the conversation. I was told that I am not = my thoughts. Really? Isn't everything about me a reflection of what I think/believe?

What else is there?

Last night, I had an experience that provided a clue. I was dancing merengue, with a good partner. I was following his lead. There was no choreography, just rhythm and hip action and fun and two people momentarily in-sync. I felt thrilled; I felt beautiful. I wanted to dance, and dance, and dance.

It was not the first time I'd felt this way: I've had other good dance partners before, and I've felt thrilled and beautiful before. When I was in need of some stress relief in college, I would close the blinds and turn up the music and dance until my feet were black (not a good reflection on the cleanliness of our kitchen floor, I'm afraid!). I loved my dance classes so much that sometimes I would daydream about changing my major!

Who am I? I'm trying to figure that out. I think I'm getting a fairly good handle on what I think and believe. But I'll continue to add to the list, starting with

1. I love to dance.